SEARCH OF A SHADOW

Copyrights Statement : I do not claim the rights of the photograph used here .

I am trying to find a shadow ,
Not the one which you see ,
But the one I wanted to see .

I roam around to catch a glimpse of it ,
There are shadows and shadows everywhere .
Shadows of the past , Shadows of the lost ,
Shadows which move fast , Shadows which leave you in aghast .

There are shadows spreading in its own ways ,
The Shadows of Leaves on the flowers ,
Flowers on the Trees ,
Trees on the walls ,
And the walls on the Mother Earth .

But all I wanted to see is the shadow of my heart ,
The one which grows with time and stays in calm .
The one which is just fine and is all mine .

But with the darkness around , When will I see it ?
And when I see it , Will I see the shadow or the light which brought it ?

( Felt like scribbling something today , Random expressions , Randomly expressed )

-- Vicky

CHILD IN THE MIRROR !

Something was not good with me from morning , I was in some strange mood , I was bugging myself all the while , and While returning from office , I was passing by Archana's house and I thought of checking with them how they are doing . I have this habit of poking everyone to see whether everything is fine with them . And it happens naturally , purely based on my mood . One day I remember someone , and I immediately call or meet them . Other day it will be someone else's turn . I turned my bike and I reached their place.

I called them , Archana said she will reach home in sometime , and Prashanth just reached the same time. He was busy, so my eyes were stagnant on the kids face . I was observing the excitement in the unspoken world of hers . Brinda was jumping on her dad whom she might have missed all day . Meanwhile her grand mom was telling stories about the adventures she achieved throughout the day . We all where glad that still people in the apartment havent complained yet . Probably they too were somewhere enjoying the cute acute cries of the girl .

Prashant went out to pick Archana back home , and I went closer to the girl , tried hard to make her say "Hi" and to make her shake hand with me. I mildly suceeded it, And then I tried to pick her up in my arms but she would start crying immediately.With few attempts back to back , I found the way to make her at least glued to me . My bangle (Kada) in my hand , the moment I start circling it on the ground , the pinching smile starts on her face . And then she would look back into my eyes when it stops rotating ,the smile on her face too stops . When I start the rotations , the puzzled expression and the smile are back again on her face . For me , when Brinda's smile stopped , it was similar to a man trying to get some oxygen underneath the water and when she smiled , it was exactly like how a man would feel when he raises his head above water . That's how I felt. I repeated this till I got enough of her smile . Frankly I never wanted to stop , but the girl went back to her grand mom and started sleeping.



Whenever I see my face in the mirror , and look deep through the reflections , I see an unknown image . What I wanted to see is someone else , someone who is more pure and innocent , but sadly what I get to see is someone whose image is far from what I wanted to be . That is what life does to you or may be we do it to life ? . We can argue on it later.But the smile she just bestowed on me had the innocence which I wanted to see in myself. And the story is almost same with everyone. The purity is lost in our hearts and smiles .Probably that's why Children are special to us . They are the images of our own good perceptions. And As a parent, we want them to be not like us . At least an inch of an notch more is fine with us , but definitely we want them to be above than us , and better than us .

Talking of this topic reminds me of an incident which happened almost 12 yrs back, Probably I should narrate in the native language to get the essence of the conversation . In a winter season , I was wandering in a remote village and I went to a small hut cum shop to buy something. Just in front of the shop, a kid was taking a bath.I asked for what I wanted and the mom said "Oka nimisham babu" ( One Minute Son! ) . She took the boiled water on the wooden fire and ran towards the kid .

Shouts in a typical telangana slang...

Mom : Aagu , gidhi posuko . ( Wait, use this water )
Kid : Em vodhu . ( I don't need )
Mom : Ey idhi posuko pillaga , sardi aithadhi kaadhu bidda . ( In a convincing voice ....Please son , use this water, otherwise you may catch cold )

He dint respond . He allowed his mom to pour the water , and while she was going back , he said "Thank You ! " . I was seeing his moms expression . She was overjoyed . Full of smiles . She continued blushing for minutes together .

I was wondering whether she understood or misunderstood what he said , I asked her .

Me : Endhuku amma antha navuthunav , vaadu emanado ardham aindha neeku. ( Did you know what he said ?)
Mom : Endho poguthandu. English la matladudu shuru chesindu ee madhya . Masthu usharu avuthundu pillagadu (He is praising in English.He started speaking English now a days . My Kid is becoming smart.)
Me : I smiled .

While returning back , I asked the kid .
Me : Evaru chepara ra neeku Thank you chepamani . (Who taught you to say Thank you )
Kid : Maa miss chepindhi. (My Teacher)

This story always stayed with me . What was striking is the mother dint even understand what exactly he meant , but she was top of the world ,feeling happy for the kid whom she thinks is doing better than them. Some call it Mothers Love , but the truth is the story is more or less same with the father too . Both share similar dreams , to have a better future for their child , and hope that he becomes a better human being too.

Archana and Prashanth came back home and all of a sudden , Brinda was on a new high . Archana took her up and started cuddling her and then Brinda would look for her father and jump onto him , I should say she flied to him . And when prashanth cuddles her , she turns back to the mother , and then the cycle repeats . It was all chaos out there , but one has to understand the volcanic eruption of joy inside her ,which is clearly evident . All this while , she never had any of them , and when two of them return back home . The confusion of whom to cuddle and whom to hug , whom to kiss and whom to talk , the fight within begins. It also made me think how the kid would have felt when they left home to their offices . I started imagining how would the scene look like. Standing at the balcony , looking through the tearful eyes, shouting at the top of the voice , calling out in an unknown language which would mean "Come back ! , I need both of you to be with me " . Hmmmm Good that she doesn't speak yet . Those situations are tough to handle when we hear what they actually mean .

We all started talking to each other , while the kid was playing in the rolling chair . Although I was part of the discussions , my eyes were glued to the kid . Her looks , and smile was something else for me . She would try to pull whatever she finds on the table or move from one corner to another . She looks back knowing her parents would shout at her. She knew it was wrong , She knew exactly what she was doing , and yet she does the mischievous things. I again started my bangle trick and she stayed glued to it.

Kids are definitely smarter than us these days . One of my X-colleague Aparna once told me, her daughter "Hasini" shows improvement on daily basis . She added " Need to learn it from her " . That was something new to me . May be she is right . To be a child , we need to learn from a child.

Children are like a mirror . They reflect your good deeds , thoughts and innocence . Ideally that's what we want to see in our mirror too , but we don't see them . And the only way man has a chance to see his perceptions in reality is to look into a mirror called Child and see the reflection as a child himself .


After talking to both of them , I decided its time to leave , and I was going down . Archana carried the kid along and came outside . Brinda said "Bye" to me . I laughed out , all this while I was struggling to make her say "Hi" , but now she was happily saying "Bye" to me. The bye's were for my worries probably . She suddenly jumped out from her mom and she came to me . I took her in my arms , she was very light compared to what I thought she would be, I hardly could feel her weight . The feeling inside was quite emotional . I gave her back and said "Bye" and she smiled back . I realized it was not because she was light that I dint feel the heaviness , it was because I became light by the time I left that place . The lightness was in my heart.....And the smile haunted me for 2 days ...Its a Curious case of child healing ! .




Copyrights Statement : I do not claim the rights of the photograph used here , I have just reproduced the imagse from NYC Fashion Photographer Jamie's blog and from others. Credits should go to them .

ABHADHAM AITHE BAGUNDU ( TELUGU )

నువ్వు వెళ్ళాలి అని అబధం అయితే బాగుండు ....
నువ్వు నన్ను వీడని చోట వుంటే బాగుండు .....
మల్లి నిన్ను చూడాలి అనుకోగానే చూడగలిగితే బాగుండు ...
మల్లి ఇంకొక సారి నీ గొంతు వింటే బాగుండు .....
మల్లి నీ కోపాన్ని చూసి నవ్వుకుంటే బాగుండు ....
మరిఒక్కసారి నీతో పోట్లాడితే బాగుండు .....
ఏడిస్తే నువ్వు నా పక్కన ఉంటె బాగుండు .....
ఇలా వొదిలి వేళ్ళకు నేస్తం , మల్లి మల్లి పిలవాలంటే కష్టం .....

నీకే ఇది తెలియకుండా లేదు కాని మల్లి చెపుతున్న విను ,
అసలు ఎవరు నేను ?
నీరసం , నిర్లక్ష్యం , నిశబ్ధం నిండి ఉన్న భయాని నేను ,
ఉప్పొంగే తరంగాల మౌనరాగానిని నేను ,
నువ్వే నా జీవితం అనుకునే వెర్రి దానిని నేను ,
నీ దాసిని నేను ,
నన్ను వొదిలి వెలక్కు నేస్తం , క్షణ క్షణం నీ జ్ఞాపకాలతో కష్టం ...

(Starts Crying)

( కొంచం సేపటికి తనని తానే ఒదార్చుకుంటూ , మల్లి ఇలా అంటుంది... )

సరే నీ కోసం .....
నీ సంతోషం కోసం ......
నువ్వు వొచ్చే వరకు .....
నా ప్రేమ దీపాని వెలుగనిస్తాను .....
నా గుండె గుడిలో నిన్ను కొలువు ఉంచుతాను ..
సంధించి చేదించి మల్లి నా దగరికి వొస్తావని మనసార అంటున్న ,
వెళ్లి రా నేస్తం ,
నీ రాక కోసం నా కనుచూపులకు వేట సొంతం .......

My inspiration for writing this is when I heard "New York Nagaram" from Sillunu Oru Kaadhal/Nuvvu Nenu Prema . When Surya leaves Jyothika for work , he pens down his feeling of missing her , I was spell bound by the way the lyrics were written . I thought how would Jyothika must have felt at the same time when he actually left ( Although this is not part of the original story ) .

Even though I have projected this as a girls point of view , it can be other way also . When two people madly in love come across such a situation when one has to leave her/him , When work calls them and when they are forced to leave the other person waiting . The pain is obvious in both , but as the saying goes "You gotta do what you gotta do" .We see this regularly in working couples . I just tried writing from the other angle.

Dated : First Draft written in March 2008 , rewritten and published today (May 4 2011).

Copyrights Statement : I do not claim the rights of the photograph used here , I have just reproduced the image from NYC Fashion Photographer Jamie's blog. Credits should go to him .

REFLECTIONS ON RAILS......

I visited my parents in Hyderabad on the weekend on the eve of Ugadi and I started for Bangalore in the evening .Train picked up full speed and I slowly went into my own world . Thoughts wandered on all topics and some serious questions popped up . And I started having conversations with my conscience . For once , I saw the time and I realized I spent 2 hours looking into the window with breeze on my ears making cacophonous sounds. More importantly Ive realized that I had lengthy conversations.

2 Hours !!! . huh ...That was quick .Time just flied . The reasons I always loved my train journeys is it amazes me how well I talk to myself . I have conversations from contradictory angles , which normally requires two different people , and finally I settle with one of those forms .I never understood what those lyrics meant in Silsila when Amitabh says "Main aur meri tanhayi aksar yeh baatein karthe hain..."(Click to See) until I had my own experience. There is some physhic notion in the sound of a train (dhadak , dhadak, dhadak, dhadak...) which resonates my brain to think and talk to myself . The same sound which changed my life , and throughout my life .....

I am not a kind of person who constantly dwell on my past , but I think about it to see if past holds some good memories or some learning's to take forward. My train journeys always took special place in my heart . Not revealing too much of why, how and what, I will narrate my bonding with them and only to the extent which makes sense .

I was in my childhood and the time when I was regular viewer of Mahabharat. My uncle ( read it as my godfather, Dad's bro ) , took me to Hyd to his place and he put me in an army camp . Yeah staying with him is nothing less than that , that too for a person like me who has no questions asked in a typical town where I live. Being an ex serviceman , he looks for perfection and also he had the knack of telling things hard but in an effective way . I did everything which I generally don't do at home . Getting up at 6 , working in the garden , to eating at regular intervals , to folding your bedsheets to what not ,just did everything . I finished my brief training camp and I was coming back to my place with him. He asked me in the train , " What did you learn from the last 10 days".I was afraid of him to answer back , and at the back of the mind I was thinking of going back early so that I can start playing cricket again , see TV at my own will , do whatever I like.Obviously I cant tell all that , I remained silent showing him a stupid smile . He said we have another 1 hour to reach home , you should tell me what did u learn in the last 10 days when we reach home. And out of fear , I started thinking by looking outside the window. That's where my rapport with the train started. Surprisingly at the end , I had few answers and he was impressed with me , he told me few more things which I will never forget in life . One of them is " You are not competing with your school members, I brought you to Hyd to show you how children at your age in Hyd are so fast , you are studying in Kazipet but you are also competing with all those people in the city as well , best way to get out of this competition is to improve yourself daily " . Ever since I have just done that . Just improved myself and never compared myself with anyone. He was a far sighted person, he knew my future is dependent on how I compete with the people in the cities.

I grew up , scored a wonderful entrance score and since diploma fits my financial bill I joined it,Life went no where from there, Life for a diploma graduate was pathetic then , No opportunities , Colleges doesn't run, disappointments , sad stories,unhappy people . Those were the most memorable and frustrating days of Life.3 Long Years,I shouted in silence and cried every second inside , whenever the thought of me doing diploma came upto me when I could have done anything in life . At school,I was brilliant in Maths and Science ,but its of no use now . Frustration sinked in, and so to the core that even if I tell my friends around me , I would get a standard reply " You are topper of the college , I will slap you if you talk.You have no rights to talk" . Obviously no one was seeing what I was seeing.There was no future for any of us and our seniors were live examples . Hailing from a middle class limited financial background , every time I took 50 bucks from my home even if it was to buy a book , the feeling that I may not be able to return it anytime in my life , Ate me up. And the Only good thing which was happening to me , is the pain of not doing what I could do in my life , it somehow did wonders to my appetite eventually . I went Hyd on some work again and on my way back I took a never-reach-destination train called as "Push-Pull".I had ample of time to talk to myself again . The train track noises told me many things , All of sudden , I had hope from no where . I now have a dream , I wanted to work for DTP printers who at that time used to pay 1500 rupees if you can work good on Word and Other DTP Software's. And thereafter I worked towards it , Tried to maintain my academics , And finally to do my project I walked every shop for almost 3 days ( Thanks to Ravi Kiran*), and then I found Bajaj company who agreed to give me a project. Long story cut shot , Staying Away from home , Did my project in an internet center where my friend ( Thanks to Jagadeesh*) was working . I used to quietly get onto a vacant machine ,connect floppy drive and I used to start working on my project if no customer comes to the shop . Time was precious because Customer can come anytime and all this used to happen without the knowledge of the shop owner. I Slept on the roads , ate just a dosa a day for 15 days. Yes, even I was thinking why it is happening with me , it should happen only in movies right ?.


I wanted to do engineering and thought that would remain a dream or at least , would take years to get there . Yes , if you are gritty enough , my seniors say you can get an engineering seat if you can try for consecutive 2 long terms , and by dedicating day and night towards it . Opportunities from diploma was less ,it is something even my direct juniors cant understand because things took a complete "U" turn in just 1 year for them.For us, Competition was huge . And my Self Belief was lacking . I never prepared for entrance exam , I gave up much before the exam was conducted . There was crash course coaching centers only in Hyderabad and in Vijayawada .First I thought I shouldn't waste my fathers money and then I went because many friends were joining and I thought it will be an experience which will help me in future preparation. Seeing the people's madness in Hyderabad, and knowing that people of my batch were preparing from 3 years taking advantage of coaching centers in their home town , Me along with my friends skipped saying we will start afresh next year . We kind of enjoyed with heavy heart in Hyderabad and we started back home with 1 week left for the exam. I was standing in the train and I was thinking about the 4000 rupees my dad has given me for the coaching which I utterly wasted utilizing . My conscience was hitting me , and the train sound was slapping me on my face . I said fine , let me give a try , I promised to myself that I will give my best shot in the next 1 week . I read everything I could , and I wrote the entrance exam . Results were yet to be announced . But my final year results were announced much before, I went to Hyderabad to clarify that I cleared with good percentage and when I checked with the examination board , to my surprise I was among the top 20 in the state in the overall 3 years. I never knew I was doing so good in academics otherwise I would have done even better for myself I thought . Its too late now . And again I traveled back home in the train , the train spoke to me again ,it gave me lot of confidence . I was now all pumped up to try for next year . And then magic happened, results were announced and I got 150+ rank in the entrance exam . I had the option of joining the 4 year course along with the gems of the state or chose a short cut , join a 3 year course in a remote college somewhere . I took the challenge . I chose the former and I got into one of the best colleges in the state .

Life stood at the same point where I started . I had to start again from zero as I never had any idea about any of the subjects.My aim was to maintain the record of never failing an exam in life. I got very moderate marks in my first year and I was coming back from holidays and the train made me speak to myself , asked me to fight back again.I regained my confidence thereafter and the results showed in positively,aggressively and exponentially with every semester ( Not that I studied all the time , I was a typical one day batsmen but a responsible batsmen ).


Third year arrived , I failed my first campus interview written test because I was not able to answer some 12th class questions , which I never studied in life. Life is unfair again. And then the story repeated with each company. I never understood why me answering a 12th Class Mathematics formula is important to get a software job. I was put into similar tests one company after another. And what hurted me more is I am yet to attend my first interview . I wanted to shout "Give me a chance , See my face , at least talk to me once and then reject " . I was denied opportunity to show what I am .Never tears came in eyes in any situation , I was always tough,but not anymore . I wanted to spend some time for myself.I went back home , again in the train , and by the time I reached home , the breeze in the train cleared my tears and it told me the story I always knew . It just reminded me of my past , it showed the person within me who has agreed to work for 1500 rupees and it showed me my journey. I had a strange grit after that . Spent some time at home and I came back and HCL happened .First company to ask me questions related to what I studied over the years. I was the only one to get through from my college.


June 4 2005 , I left for Bangalore , and my 12 hour train journey gave me an opportunity to think about my new dreams. As usual , Life again started tough , My 3-year tough period came back , It again had everything to make me suffer . I Went through a personal trauma , had Challenges at work , Struggled for survival, Needed to prove myself ,expectations , constantly awaiting unrealized dreams , Lost personality , Did Soul Searching. And Ever since , time and again ,my train journey, gave a nice little talk to myself , made me realize my mistakes , made me argue with myself , gave solace when I badly needed a hug and a voice . It just did the same thing again , showed me where I started and how I struggled , how I failed and how I won it again , it showed me the person who was willing to work for 1500 rupees and then suddenly all my problems in front of me used to became small .That talk always made me a better person. Not that I have achieved so much in life . I have just started now and all I know is whatever I have done so far is just home work and as Robert Frost says " I have promises to Keep , and miles to walk , before I sleep ...." .

I don't know if I was talking to my reflections or the train was enacting that character for me . I really don't know and I don't want to know the truth and separate them . The nature around us is strange , it tries to talk to you in strange languages , sometimes in the sound of a train whistles , sometimes in the form of the waves which touch the shore and your feet , sometimes in the form of breezes which talk something in your ears .You just have to listen to the one which is talking to you , and when you can talk back , you talk to yourself and then the Magic Happens . ......


Ravi Kiran *, Jagadeesh * are the people who helped me at crucial junctions. One for helping me to find a project and other helping me with a machine to work on. Can Never forget their favour.

ITS MY BIRTHDAY !!

It has become a common ritual now , Prashanth and Archana call me before I wake up ( I dont blame them , not their mistake , some how I sleep late on this day ) and then I speak up , slowly opening my eyes and we exchange our wishes .They wish me on my birthday and I wish them both "Happy Anniversary". And then I immediately enter into a confrontation mode with Archana that its her turn of throwing a party . We look ways to refer to the pending parties which are cleverly designated as "Beautiful day" , "Wonderful Day" , "One fine Day" by some of our friends ( Long story, cant explain in detail , some other time ) . Neither of us agree on something concrete and Prashanth breaks our discussion saying "Lets meet up in the evening" and we hang up.

I get up thinking "So , its your birthday , So What am I supposed to do now ? " . Not that I dont remember my moms words ringing in my ears from last night " Get up in the morning , Go to temple " . I get up but fail to visit the temple , something stops me from doing it . Of couse , I have ready made reasons to tell my mom before she complains.

As a child , it was all that good . Buddies wish you in anticipation that you would end up giving them chocolates. And I always dissapointed many people. I used to call my usual buddies to my home . Every one turns up in the evening and my mom cooks nice biryani and feeds them all. It was good because people used to come to my home and we enjoyed a lot. Probably thats why I liked my birthday then. In my teens , my 4 little buddies from school who still remember my birthday used to come with a gift and I used to take them to a remote dhabha in Warangal everytime. We would complete 1 beer each and walk out with stuffed sweet pans so that it doesnt smell and we walk and look normally at home . I still doubt it was a convincing act for my parents to believe . It was the only day , when all the 4 used to meet me at once and I liked my birthday because of that . With time , the definition of Birthday changed in my life and so did my idea of a birthday . Slowly I somehow dint enjoy this day . I never told anyone about my birthday and nor did I like anything about it .Every birthday after my teens , I sit quietly and ask myself " So tell me Vicky what does your birthday mean to you ? " . I have 100 thoughts coming to my mind , but nothing convincing to satisfy myself.

I always failed to seperate my birthday from my other days , I sleep the same , I walk the same , I think the same . Yeah , I remember this day changes my fate in terms of age , like finishing 20's to entering 30's , I understand it makes a big difference to many , not to me . Some tell me "Go have a blast , drink and get high" . Yeah , I do that occasionally , so that doesnt make this day special ? .

With years of thoughts ,I had to come to an unanimous conclusion that, dont tell anyone , keep it off in FB/Orkut , just live as it is .Now , I dont believe in birthdays , I am the same bad man yesterday , I will be the same man today , probably it will not change anything tomorrow . The only thing I probably like about the concept of birthday is " I like people remembering me specially on this day" and nothing else. And next time dont be surprised when you see me throwing parties on others birthday and gifting them presents , thats because I dont like them to give the treat instead I would host a party and make them feel that I remember them dearly on their birthday . Yes , its a big thing in this changing world . I think this sentence would make more sense to you with years to come.

This year too , I went to office , did my best to justify my salary , and I walked off little early , Prashanth asked me , to be there @ 7:30 . I followed his instructions and reached there thinking I must be late . No , I was the early bird . Both Archana and Prashanth arrived with their cute girl and we exchanged greetings. Shortly joined by Dileep and Ramya, other close allies of mine. Conversations kicked off , one started pulling other , one complained about one's food preparations , one complained about investing Masala Dosa on one , the usual pranks continued ..... There was a time I almost went back in time , moments of past started appearing in front of me .

I still remember , me walking up to Prashanth and Archana and telling them " Guys , you have to work on 18 Jasper reports , which needs to be changed " . And before I doing my calculations , they would have told themselves " You take 9 , I will take 9 ". They started by sharing their work and now they share their lives . Sometimes I feel probably thats the reason they like me and call me for everything that happens in their lives . Thats Because I gave them work together .

I remember moments like when I once went to Dileep when he just joined as a fresher and I asked " How are you doing with your task ?" . He replied " I am first trying with a sample application , I think I will complete it in X time". I never intended to ask his delivery time , I was just making him comfortable but was puzzled with his typical fresher reply , "Answer with a timeline attached ". I could understand his reply seeing the project pressure around . I smiled back and left . He later on ,was with me in thick and thin times.

Ramya , i always knew about her more from her friends but never in person , probably it is out-of-fear or chosing not to speak with strangers we never spoke much , Once on a weekend , I was working at office and I was playing a song called "Aao Na " from "Kyun ho gaya na " and she hesitatingly and carefully asked whether I could share her this song . She must have double thought of it before asking me . She looked so frightened then. Now we get along well.

With all these thoughts rolling scene by scene , It took a phone call to bring me back to my senses. Now that I am with all those people from the past , when I think , it makes me feel how everyone knitted along so well with time , and did well in their lives . I get a feeling like I was standing still while these guys grew up , ditched the dust around , packed me up and taken me along with them . It feels so so good to think back.

As all good things come to an end , our short stint of time had to end , We all left greeting everyone "Bye" and I left with lots of striking memories .

I reached home and when I sat down , I felt the happiness I used to feel in my childhood . Dont know this is how one needs to spend a birthday or this is the way it was actually designed to be - Spend with someone who can make you remember your past , both good and old times ? . I never agreed on one particular definition of birthday , but I am sure this is not going to happen just once a year , this is definitely going to repeat itself , but Im glad this time it happened on my birthday giving some meaning to it.

PS : Ramya,Dileep,Prashanth and Archana - If you are reading this , Thanks for being part of my memories and for making me remember once in a while.

'నా' కోసమా , 'నీ' కోసమా , 'మన' కోసమా ?

నువ్వు నాకు ఎలా కావాలి అంటే !!!!!! .....

నా కష్టాలకి నీ కన్నీళ్ళ ధారగా,

నా సంతోషాలకు నీ నవ్వు ప్రతిబింబం గా ,
నా ఇంటి దీపంగా,

నా కంటి రూపంగా,
నా కడ శ్వాసగా,

నా ప్రతి ద్యాసగా,

నా చేతి స్పర్శగా,

నా నోటి మాటగా,

నా నరకానికి స్వర్గంగా,

నా విరహానికి అర్ధంగా,

నా ఆనందానికి అద్దంగా ,

నా కష్టాలకి ఖడ్గం గా.....

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అవును ఇంతకి నేను అంటే నీకు ఇష్టమేగా ???????

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Now a days , I see poeple dream before they tell the girl/boy how they feel ,

Adagaane Avunu antundha,

Abhiprayam ledhu antundha,

Arey chi po anni thanthundha ,

anni kuda alochinchakunda , they just dream for themselves .I know most of the movies work like that but not in reality ( leave the lucky few ).The role of the partner in this convincing/proposing act is just them saying "Yes".

I wantedly wrote this poem, with "Naa" because now it has become so self centric that the decisive factor is "About what I want", and is not about "What you also should give back" . Does it work this way ? . Cant there be some common goals , some goals which are your partners but not yours ? . Some goals to lose and to make your partner win ? .

Well I am not a master , but its definitely for you to do some soul searching ...All the Best ! .

Mirage of Immortality...

6 Months Back , I went on a wonderful trip to Himalayas . I had an immaculate experience to not only have a closer look at mother nature but also got a chance to meet some wonderful people of different generations and from different parts of the country , who are still in touch with me . Thanks to FB ! .

To Single out one such name of the lot was Sanjivani Gawankar , close one's used to call her "Sanju" and new comers around like me, call her "Sanju Aunty" . My first impression was that she is just another "Aunty".

My First encounter with her was on the first day when we took an acclimatization walk. The moment we reached the destination we all fell down on our knees like a pack of cards . But Sanju Aunty's energy was still not down . She along with her long standing colleagues started dancing while others were singing Marathi songs . I still remember when someone said we need a girl to dance . She came running and shouted in her husky voice "Main hoon na Item girl ", and she was laughing with a tongue in cheek .Not that she really meant what she said . She just wanted to have fun and also make others day along with it . Later on , we came to know that the self proclaimed item girl was 50 years old and a banker.

Aunty Dancing on the peak ...

On my every day trek , blame it on the age or the sheer excitement to see whats there beyond those lush green sceneries or those high raised tempting mountains ,but I used to be among those people in the first line of action who used to lead the trek . I used to just start running when the guide used to call "Chalo !". And then I used to find this lady hovering just around me with the same enthusiasm . She just dint walk , she was a moving bundle of energy always commenting , joking and interacting with the people around .

She interacted with those young budding engineers , She spoke to the college joinees , She spoke to the middle aged men , She spoke to the porter girls and woman and she would always be tighter with her level headed veterans. She shifted topics from engineering drawing drafters to girl friends to playing pranks with guys linking them to beautiful porter girls , to making high level serious decisions depending on whom she was interacting .

Bhagat ji and Aunty playing prank giving an impression that they were trying to escape on a slant ice on an otherwise parallel ground .

At one moment , she would take care of one of those kids who came along with their troop and in another she would shift to the next kid playing with them. I wondered who were her actual kids and when someone else asked her the same question she replied "Sab mere bachein hain, Mera bada bacha idhar nahi hain bas " . I couldn't get what she actually meant at that point of time, I skipped through the conversation happening there .

Aunty kissing one of the kid on the block

She used to ask each and every one's names , their place , their background . She used to find it difficult to remember some of our South Indian names ( understandably ) and every day morning she used to verify it with us whether she remembers the names correctly along with our background. It showed she genuinely wanted to identify and relate each one of us .

She was not well in between due to dehydration side effects , and yet she carried on with the same momentum . I used to wonder seeing the energy in her , because some of my youthful friends were themselves struggling to put one step after another . She was a fighter in her own terms . And I used to be the silent admirer of her determination .

When we reached Thila lotni , a higher altitude place in Himalayas . I and some of my friends had the opportunity to talk in length with her and other aunties ( total 5 ) . Its important to mention about others too while I talk about Sanju Aunty . All were bankers , all ex national kabaddi players . I was told , the eldest lady among them at the age of 56 was the state's prestigious Chattrapathi Shivaji awardee. I immediately knew that there is more than what meets the eye . I couldn't hold back on asking Sanju Aunty - " Aunty , how come you are here at this age, I cant imagine my mom coming here ."

She replied "Kya kare hum logon ko abhi permission mila hain , All our life we had to work and take care of our family . Now since they are all relatively settled now , its our show time .My son is in UK studying structural engineering .Just like you friends , we also came with our friends , just that we are little older than you , just a little old huh " - she giggled ". I knew that the people I see in front of me , are from those early breed of women empowerment , the original multi- taskers, who put their family in front of their desires and are no way less than the other men at work and are now present to have their share of their life , reviving their youthful days . Our conversations ranged from discussing our cultures to our careers . We had a good conversation and had a nice time . I wanted to capture this moment in my camera but I resisted to ask for one . I have to Thank Mahi here . He asked for it and said " I will take one pic ". All the aunties said "Yes" , you are also like our son's. Sanju Aunty said - " Photo zaroor bhejna humein , yaad rakhenge sabko " .

The pic on which she commented on FB " With my sweet kids , 1 to my left and 1 to my right "

Days went ahead , I used to give a hand here and there and help her on the trek and we got along well with those tiny conversations on the way.

9 Days went off in a splash of sight making wonderful unforgettable memories on the way . I along with my friends were the first to leave the camp. Aunty called us ,she gave her email id , and said "Mumbai aana kabhi , directttt ghar ko aa jao , number likho mera " . She added " Mein Facebook mein hoon , mera bete se baat karthi na mai , Uss mein photo alag hain , aise track pant pahenke nahi rahoongi , usmein chudidhaar pehenke typical marathi aunty jaisa rahoongi , woh bhi mein hi hoon confuse mat hona " .

We all said Goodbye's to one another and parted our ways . At that time , we were not sure if we would see them again .

As soon as we went back to our regular day to day lives ,we were as usual busy bee's . The internet (Facebook) saved our relationships . Everyone started adding everyone , people started sharing pictures . Especially Pics from Arvindji and Mahesh were outstanding . Comments were floating around here and there

Sanju Aunty used to come online late in the evening , to talk to her son . And me being FB Savvy being online most of the times , she would ping me most of the times and ask what I am upto , She would tell how her days are going , she would say each and every person by name , ask about their well being . If she likes a status message , she would encourage our thoughts . Whenever she comes online , she would ping , and this would happen not only with me , but with each of us at sometime or the other .

Sanju Aunty is the most fav aunty among the people . She would claim , now her husband Mr. Harish ( he was not part of the trip) also knew each one of us because she kept talking about each one of us and he would relate us with our online pics . I must admit , she cant get over Mahesh's Paris Pics . She just loved it . Sometimes I got bored hearing about the same pics from her . She claims if any one comes to their house , Uncle would open Facebook and show all the pics .

Just when things were going fine , life took a complete new turn ....

In the last 6 years , for the first time I got a chance to spend close to 15 days with my family . I was at home and in comes a FB Message from one of my friend (Bhagat ji), which says "Sanju Aunty is no more " . I couldn't believe what I read and I was shell shocked . I immediately googled and I found the news article which says She has met with an accident and is no more. I couldn't react , I just jumped off my computer . I was restless ,the memories from the past started haunting me .I couldn't come to terms with the fact that the person with whom I was chatting 20 days back for long hours , is just not there anymore . I went out to change my mood , I sat at one my friends place , but I was still reminiscing all the chat conversations I had and specially the last chat excerpts . The promise she made to me " Tumhari Shaadi mein zaroor bulana ,mein pukka aaongi , Aur Mujhe South mein bhi ghoomna hain " .

I was disturbed , 2 days passed by and I was trying to divert my mind . I was talking and laughing with my mom but I was somewhere missing the other mom . If I think along , her voices would appear.Other fellow trekkers almost shared the same grievance in the mails . All I did is to refrain from using FB for some days .

The fact is that this too shall pass by . Time would finally allow pain to alleviate ,but the void created for the family members ,her son and the people in the close circuit would be irreplaceable .

I personally think it would have helped those growing kids playing hopscotch in the surroundings who would have called her "Aayi" . She would have told them how to stay grounded while you grow , She would have told how a women should manage everything . How to smile and make people smile . How to spread love .

As in mythology , Hanuman brought "Sanjivani" booti to save the life of Lakshman . Sanju aunty has lived to her name . She with her energy has given the passion to live to the fullest and spread the power to love to many people around. She is a true example of "Celebration of Being Alive".

I thought off and I thought long , This is just one angle to this story . Likewise I am sure , there would be many voices which would join me in talking about such "Sanjivani's" . All we have to do is to just learn one thing . This Life is just a mirage of Immortality and it is indeed immortal but only if you make it one .

She might have left this place , but her good deeds done , love shown , would be living with others life . And Yes , she is still alive in others life . Life is Immortal .

Life is lot of promises, dreams and memories ,
Its a mirage of Immortality .
And It takes everything away within a stroke of time ,
This is Cruelty ,
This is Life's Reality ,
But its up to you how do you make it look as Immortality.....


In Memory of Dear Sanju Aunty . Miss you and your energy around . I Mean it ! .

ఎండ వానల ఇంట పుట్టిన ఇంద్రధనుశుక్కు ఆయువు ఎంతో ,
కంటి పాపల తోటి కళలకు కలిసి బ్రతికే కాలం ఎంతో ,
తెలుపగలవా ఓ మనసా ??,
డోలలు ఊగే ఇ బ్రతుకు వరుస !!