I visited my parents in Hyderabad on the weekend on the eve of Ugadi and I started for Bangalore in the evening .Train picked up full speed and I slowly went into my own world . Thoughts wandered on all topics and some serious questions popped up . And I started having conversations with my conscience . For once , I saw the time and I realized I spent 2 hours looking into the window with breeze on my ears making cacophonous sounds. More importantly Ive realized that I had lengthy conversations.2 Hours !!! . huh ...That was quick .Time just flied . The reasons I always loved my train journeys is it amazes me how well I talk to myself . I have conversations from contradictory angles , which normally requires two different people , and finally I settle with one of those forms .I never understood what those lyrics meant in Silsila when Amitabh says "Main aur meri tanhayi aksar yeh baatein karthe hain..."(Click to See) until I had my own experience. There is some physhic notion in the sound of a train (dhadak , dhadak, dhadak, dhadak...) which resonates my brain to think and talk to myself . The same sound which changed my life , and throughout my life .....
I am not a kind of person who constantly dwell on my past , but I think about it to see if past holds some good memories or some learning's to take forward. My train journeys always took special place in my heart . Not revealing too much of why, how and what, I will narrate my bonding with them and only to the extent which makes sense .
I was in my childhood and the time when I was regular viewer of Mahabharat. My uncle ( read it as my godfather, Dad's bro ) , took me to Hyd to his place and he put me in an army camp . Yeah staying with him is nothing less than that , that too for a person like me who has no questions asked in a typical town where I live. Being an ex serviceman , he looks for perfection and also he had the knack of telling things hard but in an effective way . I did everything which I generally don't do at home . Getting up at 6 , working in the garden , to eating at regular intervals , to folding your bedsheets to what not ,just did everything . I finished my brief training camp and I was coming back to my place with him. He asked me in the train , " What did you learn from the last 10 days".I was afraid of him to answer back , and at the back of the mind I was thinking of going back early so that I can start playing cricket again , see TV at my own will , do whatever I like.Obviously I cant tell all that , I remained silent showing him a stupid smile . He said we have another 1 hour to reach home , you should tell me what did u learn in the last 10 days when we reach home. And out of fear , I started thinking by looking outside the window. That's where my rapport with the train started. Surprisingly at the end , I had few answers and he was impressed with me , he told me few more things which I will never forget in life . One of them is " You are not competing with your school members, I brought you to Hyd to show you how children at your age in Hyd are so fast , you are studying in Kazipet but you are also competing with all those people in the city as well , best way to get out of this competition is to improve yourself daily " . Ever since I have just done that . Just improved myself and never compared myself with anyone. He was a far sighted person, he knew my future is dependent on how I compete with the people in the cities.
I grew up , scored a wonderful entrance score and since diploma fits my financial bill I joined it,Life went no where from there, Life for a diploma graduate was pathetic then , No opportunities , Colleges doesn't run, disappointments , sad stories,unhappy people . Those were the most memorable and frustrating days of Life.3 Long Years,I shouted in silence and cried every second inside , whenever the thought of me doing diploma came upto me when I could have done anything in life . At school,I was brilliant in Maths and Science ,but its of no use now . Frustration sinked in, and so to the core that even if I tell my friends around me , I would get a standard reply " You are topper of the college , I will slap you if you talk.You have no rights to talk" . Obviously no one was seeing what I was seeing.There was no future for any of us and our seniors were live examples . Hailing from a middle class limited financial background , every time I took 50 bucks from my home even if it was to buy a book , the feeling that I may not be able to return it anytime in my life , Ate me up. And the Only good thing which was happening to me , is the pain of not doing what I could do in my life , it somehow did wonders to my appetite eventually . I went Hyd on some work again and on my way back I took a never-reach-destination train called as "Push-Pull".I had ample of time to talk to myself again . The train track noises told me many things , All of sudden , I had hope from no where . I now have a dream , I wanted to work for DTP printers who at that time used to pay 1500 rupees if you can work good on Word and Other DTP Software's. And thereafter I worked towards it , Tried to maintain my academics , And finally to do my project I walked every shop for almost 3 days ( Thanks to Ravi Kiran*), and then I found Bajaj company who agreed to give me a project. Long story cut shot , Staying Away from home , Did my project in an internet center where my friend ( Thanks to Jagadeesh*) was working . I used to quietly get onto a vacant machine ,connect floppy drive and I used to start working on my project if no customer comes to the shop . Time was precious because Customer can come anytime and all this used to happen without the knowledge of the shop owner. I Slept on the roads , ate just a dosa a day for 15 days. Yes, even I was thinking why it is happening with me , it should happen only in movies right ?.
I wanted to do engineering and thought that would remain a dream or at least , would take years to get there . Yes , if you are gritty enough , my seniors say you can get an engineering seat if you can try for consecutive 2 long terms , and by dedicating day and night towards it . Opportunities from diploma was less ,it is something even my direct juniors cant understand because things took a complete "U" turn in just 1 year for them.For us, Competition was huge . And my Self Belief was lacking . I never prepared for entrance exam , I gave up much before the exam was conducted . There was crash course coaching centers only in Hyderabad and in Vijayawada .First I thought I shouldn't waste my fathers money and then I went because many friends were joining and I thought it will be an experience which will help me in future preparation. Seeing the people's madness in Hyderabad, and knowing that people of my batch were preparing from 3 years taking advantage of coaching centers in their home town , Me along with my friends skipped saying we will start afresh next year . We kind of enjoyed with heavy heart in Hyderabad and we started back home with 1 week left for the exam. I was standing in the train and I was thinking about the 4000 rupees my dad has given me for the coaching which I utterly wasted utilizing . My conscience was hitting me , and the train sound was slapping me on my face . I said fine , let me give a try , I promised to myself that I will give my best shot in the next 1 week . I read everything I could , and I wrote the entrance exam . Results were yet to be announced . But my final year results were announced much before, I went to Hyderabad to clarify that I cleared with good percentage and when I checked with the examination board , to my surprise I was among the top 20 in the state in the overall 3 years. I never knew I was doing so good in academics otherwise I would have done even better for myself I thought . Its too late now . And again I traveled back home in the train , the train spoke to me again ,it gave me lot of confidence . I was now all pumped up to try for next year . And then magic happened, results were announced and I got 150+ rank in the entrance exam . I had the option of joining the 4 year course along with the gems of the state or chose a short cut , join a 3 year course in a remote college somewhere . I took the challenge . I chose the former and I got into one of the best colleges in the state .
Life stood at the same point where I started . I had to start again from zero as I never had any idea about any of the subjects.My aim was to maintain the record of never failing an exam in life. I got very moderate marks in my first year and I was coming back from holidays and the train made me speak to myself , asked me to fight back again.I regained my confidence thereafter and the results showed in positively,aggressively and exponentially with every semester ( Not that I studied all the time , I was a typical one day batsmen but a responsible batsmen ).
Third year arrived , I failed my first campus interview written test because I was not able to answer some 12th class questions , which I never studied in life. Life is unfair again. And then the story repeated with each company. I never understood why me answering a 12th Class Mathematics formula is important to get a software job. I was put into similar tests one company after another. And what hurted me more is I am yet to attend my first interview . I wanted to shout "Give me a chance , See my face , at least talk to me once and then reject " . I was denied opportunity to show what I am .Never tears came in eyes in any situation , I was always tough,but not anymore . I wanted to spend some time for myself.I went back home , again in the train , and by the time I reached home , the breeze in the train cleared my tears and it told me the story I always knew . It just reminded me of my past , it showed the person within me who has agreed to work for 1500 rupees and it showed me my journey. I had a strange grit after that . Spent some time at home and I came back and HCL happened .First company to ask me questions related to what I studied over the years. I was the only one to get through from my college.
June 4 2005 , I left for Bangalore , and my 12 hour train journey gave me an opportunity to think about my new dreams. As usual , Life again started tough , My 3-year tough period came back , It again had everything to make me suffer . I Went through a personal trauma , had Challenges at work , Struggled for survival, Needed to prove myself ,expectations , constantly awaiting unrealized dreams , Lost personality , Did Soul Searching. And Ever since , time and again ,my train journey, gave a nice little talk to myself , made me realize my mistakes , made me argue with myself , gave solace when I badly needed a hug and a voice . It just did the same thing again , showed me where I started and how I struggled , how I failed and how I won it again , it showed me the person who was willing to work for 1500 rupees and then suddenly all my problems in front of me used to became small .That talk always made me a better person. Not that I have achieved so much in life . I have just started now and all I know is whatever I have done so far is just home work and as Robert Frost says " I have promises to Keep , and miles to walk , before I sleep ...." .
I don't know if I was talking to my reflections or the train was enacting that character for me . I really don't know and I don't want to know the truth and separate them . The nature around us is strange , it tries to talk to you in strange languages , sometimes in the sound of a train whistles , sometimes in the form of the waves which touch the shore and your feet , sometimes in the form of breezes which talk something in your ears .You just have to listen to the one which is talking to you , and when you can talk back , you talk to yourself and then the Magic Happens . ......
Ravi Kiran *, Jagadeesh * are the people who helped me at crucial junctions. One for helping me to find a project and other helping me with a machine to work on. Can Never forget their favour.
