SNAKES CRAWL HERE - BEWARE !

SEARCH OF A SHADOW

2011-12-06T14:49:00.014+05:30

Copyrights Statement : I do not claim the rights of the photograph used here .

I am trying to find a shadow ,
Not the one which you see ,
But the one I wanted to see .

I roam around to catch a glimpse of it ,
There are shadows and shadows everywhere .
Shadows of the past , Shadows of the lost ,
Shadows which move fast , Shadows which leave you in aghast .

There are shadows spreading in its own ways ,
The Shadows of Leaves on the flowers ,
Flowers on the Trees ,
Trees on the walls ,
And the walls on the Mother Earth .

But all I wanted to see is the shadow of my heart ,
The one which grows with time and stays in calm .
The one which is just fine and is all mine .

But with the darkness around , When will I see it ?
And when I see it , Will I see the shadow or the light which brought it ?

( Felt like scribbling something today , Random expressions , Randomly expressed )

-- Vicky

CHILD IN THE MIRROR !

2011-05-16T08:05:00.025+05:30

Something was not good with me from morning , I was in some strange mood , I was bugging myself all the while , and While returning from office , I was passing by Archana's house and I thought of checking with them how they are doing . I have this habit of poking everyone to see whether everything is fine with them . And it happens naturally , purely based on my mood . One day I remember someone , and I immediately call or meet them . Other day it will be someone else's turn . I turned my bike and I reached their place.

I called them , Archana said she will reach home in sometime , and Prashanth just reached the same time. He was busy, so my eyes were stagnant on the kids face . I was observing the excitement in the unspoken world of hers . Brinda was jumping on her dad whom she might have missed all day . Meanwhile her grand mom was telling stories about the adventures she achieved throughout the day . We all where glad that still people in the apartment havent complained yet . Probably they too were somewhere enjoying the cute acute cries of the girl .

Prashant went out to pick Archana back home , and I went closer to the girl , tried hard to make her say "Hi" and to make her shake hand with me. I mildly suceeded it, And then I tried to pick her up in my arms but she would start crying immediately.With few attempts back to back , I found the way to make her at least glued to me . My bangle (Kada) in my hand , the moment I start circling it on the ground , the pinching smile starts on her face . And then she would look back into my eyes when it stops rotating ,the smile on her face too stops . When I start the rotations , the puzzled expression and the smile are back again on her face . For me , when Brinda's smile stopped , it was similar to a man trying to get some oxygen underneath the water and when she smiled , it was exactly like how a man would feel when he raises his head above water . That's how I felt. I repeated this till I got enough of her smile . Frankly I never wanted to stop , but the girl went back to her grand mom and started sleeping.

Whenever I see my face in the mirror , and look deep through the reflections , I see an unknown image . What I wanted to see is someone else , someone who is more pure and innocent , but sadly what I get to see is someone whose image is far from what I wanted to be . That is what life does to you or may be we do it to life ? . We can argue on it later.But the smile she just bestowed on me had the innocence which I wanted to see in myself. And the story is almost same with everyone. The purity is lost in our hearts and smiles .Probably that's why Children are special to us . They are the images of our own good perceptions. And As a parent, we want them to be not like us . At least an inch of an notch more is fine with us , but definitely we want them to be above than us , and better than us .

Talking of this topic reminds me of an incident which happened almost 12 yrs back, Probably I should narrate in the native language to get the essence of the conversation . In a winter season , I was wandering in a remote village and I went to a small hut cum shop to buy something. Just in front of the shop, a kid was taking a bath.I asked for what I wanted and the mom said "Oka nimisham babu" ( One Minute Son! ) . She took the boiled water on the wooden fire and ran towards the kid .

Shouts in a typical telangana slang...

Mom : Aagu , gidhi posuko . ( Wait, use this water )
Kid : Em vodhu . ( I don't need )
Mom : Ey idhi posuko pillaga , sardi aithadhi kaadhu bidda . ( In a convincing voice ....Please son , use this water, otherwise you may catch cold )

He dint respond . He allowed his mom to pour the water , and while she was going back , he said "Thank You ! " . I was seeing his moms expression . She was overjoyed . Full of smiles . She continued blushing for minutes together .

I was wondering whether she understood or misunderstood what he said , I asked her .

Me : Endhuku amma antha navuthunav , vaadu emanado ardham aindha neeku. ( Did you know what he said ?)
Mom : Endho poguthandu. English la matladudu shuru chesindu ee madhya . Masthu usharu avuthundu pillagadu (He is praising in English.He started speaking English now a days . My Kid is becoming smart.)
Me : I smiled .

While returning back , I asked the kid .
Me : Evaru chepara ra neeku Thank you chepamani . (Who taught you to say Thank you )
Kid : Maa miss chepindhi. (My Teacher)

This story always stayed with me . What was striking is the mother dint even understand what exactly he meant , but she was top of the world ,feeling happy for the kid whom she thinks is doing better than them. Some call it Mothers Love , but the truth is the story is more or less same with the father too . Both share similar dreams , to have a better future for their child , and hope that he becomes a better human being too.

Archana and Prashanth came back home and all of a sudden , Brinda was on a new high . Archana took her up and started cuddling her and then Brinda would look for her father and jump onto him , I should say she flied to him . And when prashanth cuddles her , she turns back to the mother , and then the cycle repeats . It was all chaos out there , but one has to understand the volcanic eruption of joy inside her ,which is clearly evident . All this while , she never had any of them , and when two of them return back home . The confusion of whom to cuddle and whom to hug , whom to kiss and whom to talk , the fight within begins. It also made me think how the kid would have felt when they left home to their offices . I started imagining how would the scene look like. Standing at the balcony , looking through the tearful eyes, shouting at the top of the voice , calling out in an unknown language which would mean "Come back ! , I need both of you to be with me " . Hmmmm Good that she doesn't speak yet . Those situations are tough to handle when we hear what they actually mean .

We all started talking to each other , while the kid was playing in the rolling chair . Although I was part of the discussions , my eyes were glued to the kid . Her looks , and smile was something else for me . She would try to pull whatever she finds on the table or move from one corner to another . She looks back knowing her parents would shout at her. She knew it was wrong , She knew exactly what she was doing , and yet she does the mischievous things. I again started my bangle trick and she stayed glued to it.

Kids are definitely smarter than us these days . One of my X-colleague Aparna once told me, her daughter "Hasini" shows improvement on daily basis . She added " Need to learn it from her " . That was something new to me . May be she is right . To be a child , we need to learn from a child.

Children are like a mirror . They reflect your good deeds , thoughts and innocence . Ideally that's what we want to see in our mirror too , but we don't see them . And the only way man has a chance to see his perceptions in reality is to look into a mirror called Child and see the reflection as a child himself .

After talking to both of them , I decided its time to leave , and I was going down . Archana carried the kid along and came outside . Brinda said "Bye" to me . I laughed out , all this while I was struggling to make her say "Hi" , but now she was happily saying "Bye" to me. The bye's were for my worries probably . She suddenly jumped out from her mom and she came to me . I took her in my arms , she was very light compared to what I thought she would be, I hardly could feel her weight . The feeling inside was quite emotional . I gave her back and said "Bye" and she smiled back . I realized it was not because she was light that I dint feel the heaviness , it was because I became light by the time I left that place . The lightness was in my heart.....And the smile haunted me for 2 days ...Its a Curious case of child healing ! .

Copyrights Statement : I do not claim the rights of the photograph used here , I have just reproduced the imagse from NYC Fashion Photographer Jamie's blog and from others. Credits should go to them .

ABHADHAM AITHE BAGUNDU ( TELUGU )

2011-05-04T23:04:00.026+05:30

నువ్వు వెళ్ళాలి అని అబధం అయితే బాగుండు ....
నువ్వు నన్ను వీడని చోట వుంటే బాగుండు .....
మల్లి నిన్ను చూడాలి అనుకోగానే చూడగలిగితే బాగుండు ...
మల్లి ఇంకొక సారి నీ గొంతు వింటే బాగుండు .....
మల్లి నీ కోపాన్ని చూసి నవ్వుకుంటే బాగుండు ....
మరిఒక్కసారి నీతో పోట్లాడితే బాగుండు .....
ఏడిస్తే నువ్వు నా పక్కన ఉంటె బాగుండు .....
ఇలా వొదిలి వేళ్ళకు నేస్తం , మల్లి మల్లి పిలవాలంటే కష్టం .....

నీకే ఇది తెలియకుండా లేదు కాని మల్లి చెపుతున్న విను ,
అసలు ఎవరు నేను ?
నీరసం , నిర్లక్ష్యం , నిశబ్ధం నిండి ఉన్న భయాని నేను ,
ఉప్పొంగే తరంగాల మౌనరాగానిని నేను ,
నువ్వే నా జీవితం అనుకునే వెర్రి దానిని నేను ,
నీ దాసిని నేను ,
నన్ను వొదిలి వెలక్కు నేస్తం , క్షణ క్షణం నీ జ్ఞాపకాలతో కష్టం ...

(Starts Crying)

( కొంచం సేపటికి తనని తానే ఒదార్చుకుంటూ , మల్లి ఇలా అంటుంది... )

సరే నీ కోసం .....
నీ సంతోషం కోసం ......
నువ్వు వొచ్చే వరకు .....
నా ప్రేమ దీపాని వెలుగనిస్తాను .....
నా గుండె గుడిలో నిన్ను కొలువు ఉంచుతాను ..
సంధించి చేదించి మల్లి నా దగరికి వొస్తావని మనసార అంటున్న ,
వెళ్లి రా నేస్తం ,
నీ రాక కోసం నా కనుచూపులకు వేట సొంతం .......

My inspiration for writing this is when I heard "New York Nagaram" from Sillunu Oru Kaadhal/Nuvvu Nenu Prema . When Surya leaves Jyothika for work , he pens down his feeling of missing her , I was spell bound by the way the lyrics were written . I thought how would Jyothika must have felt at the same time when he actually left ( Although this is not part of the original story ) .

Even though I have projected this as a girls point of view , it can be other way also . When two people madly in love come across such a situation when one has to leave her/him , When work calls them and when they are forced to leave the other person waiting . The pain is obvious in both , but as the saying goes "You gotta do what you gotta do" .We see this regularly in working couples . I just tried writing from the other angle.

Dated : First Draft written in March 2008 , rewritten and published today (May 4 2011).

Copyrights Statement : I do not claim the rights of the photograph used here , I have just reproduced the image from NYC Fashion Photographer Jamie's blog. Credits should go to him .

REFLECTIONS ON RAILS......

2011-04-12T23:00:00.018+05:30

I visited my parents in Hyderabad on the weekend on the eve of Ugadi and I started for Bangalore in the evening .Train picked up full speed and I slowly went into my own world . Thoughts wandered on all topics and some serious questions popped up . And I started having conversations with my conscience . For once , I saw the time and I realized I spent 2 hours looking into the window with breeze on my ears making cacophonous sounds. More importantly Ive realized that I had lengthy conversations.

2 Hours !!! . huh ...That was quick .Time just flied . The reasons I always loved my train journeys is it amazes me how well I talk to myself . I have conversations from contradictory angles , which normally requires two different people , and finally I settle with one of those forms .I never understood what those lyrics meant in Silsila when Amitabh says "Main aur meri tanhayi aksar yeh baatein karthe hain..."(Click to See) until I had my own experience. There is some physhic notion in the sound of a train (dhadak , dhadak, dhadak, dhadak...) which resonates my brain to think and talk to myself . The same sound which changed my life , and throughout my life .....

I am not a kind of person who constantly dwell on my past , but I think about it to see if past holds some good memories or some learning's to take forward. My train journeys always took special place in my heart . Not revealing too much of why, how and what, I will narrate my bonding with them and only to the extent which makes sense .

I was in my childhood and the time when I was regular viewer of Mahabharat. My uncle ( read it as my godfather, Dad's bro ) , took me to Hyd to his place and he put me in an army camp . Yeah staying with him is nothing less than that , that too for a person like me who has no questions asked in a typical town where I live. Being an ex serviceman , he looks for perfection and also he had the knack of telling things hard but in an effective way . I did everything which I generally don't do at home . Getting up at 6 , working in the garden , to eating at regular intervals , to folding your bedsheets to what not ,just did everything . I finished my brief training camp and I was coming back to my place with him. He asked me in the train , " What did you learn from the last 10 days".I was afraid of him to answer back , and at the back of the mind I was thinking of going back early so that I can start playing cricket again , see TV at my own will , do whatever I like.Obviously I cant tell all that , I remained silent showing him a stupid smile . He said we have another 1 hour to reach home , you should tell me what did u learn in the last 10 days when we reach home. And out of fear , I started thinking by looking outside the window. That's where my rapport with the train started. Surprisingly at the end , I had few answers and he was impressed with me , he told me few more things which I will never forget in life . One of them is " You are not competing with your school members, I brought you to Hyd to show you how children at your age in Hyd are so fast , you are studying in Kazipet but you are also competing with all those people in the city as well , best way to get out of this competition is to improve yourself daily " . Ever since I have just done that . Just improved myself and never compared myself with anyone. He was a far sighted person, he knew my future is dependent on how I compete with the people in the cities.

I grew up , scored a wonderful entrance score and since diploma fits my financial bill I joined it,Life went no where from there, Life for a diploma graduate was pathetic then , No opportunities , Colleges doesn't run, disappointments , sad stories,unhappy people . Those were the most memorable and frustrating days of Life.3 Long Years,I shouted in silence and cried every second inside , whenever the thought of me doing diploma came upto me when I could have done anything in life . At school,I was brilliant in Maths and Science ,but its of no use now . Frustration sinked in, and so to the core that even if I tell my friends around me , I would get a standard reply " You are topper of the college , I will slap you if you talk.You have no rights to talk" . Obviously no one was seeing what I was seeing.There was no future for any of us and our seniors were live examples . Hailing from a middle class limited financial background , every time I took 50 bucks from my home even if it was to buy a book , the feeling that I may not be able to return it anytime in my life , Ate me up. And the Only good thing which was happening to me , is the pain of not doing what I could do in my life , it somehow did wonders to my appetite eventually . I went Hyd on some work again and on my way back I took a never-reach-destination train called as "Push-Pull".I had ample of time to talk to myself again . The train track noises told me many things , All of sudden , I had hope from no where . I now have a dream , I wanted to work for DTP printers who at that time used to pay 1500 rupees if you can work good on Word and Other DTP Software's. And thereafter I worked towards it , Tried to maintain my academics , And finally to do my project I walked every shop for almost 3 days ( Thanks to Ravi Kiran*), and then I found Bajaj company who agreed to give me a project. Long story cut shot , Staying Away from home , Did my project in an internet center where my friend ( Thanks to Jagadeesh*) was working . I used to quietly get onto a vacant machine ,connect floppy drive and I used to start working on my project if no customer comes to the shop . Time was precious because Customer can come anytime and all this used to happen without the knowledge of the shop owner. I Slept on the roads , ate just a dosa a day for 15 days. Yes, even I was thinking why it is happening with me , it should happen only in movies right ?.

I wanted to do engineering and thought that would remain a dream or at least , would take years to get there . Yes , if you are gritty enough , my seniors say you can get an engineering seat if you can try for consecutive 2 long terms , and by dedicating day and night towards it . Opportunities from diploma was less ,it is something even my direct juniors cant understand because things took a complete "U" turn in just 1 year for them.For us, Competition was huge . And my Self Belief was lacking . I never prepared for entrance exam , I gave up much before the exam was conducted . There was crash course coaching centers only in Hyderabad and in Vijayawada .First I thought I shouldn't waste my fathers money and then I went because many friends were joining and I thought it will be an experience which will help me in future preparation. Seeing the people's madness in Hyderabad, and knowing that people of my batch were preparing from 3 years taking advantage of coaching centers in their home town , Me along with my friends skipped saying we will start afresh next year . We kind of enjoyed with heavy heart in Hyderabad and we started back home with 1 week left for the exam. I was standing in the train and I was thinking about the 4000 rupees my dad has given me for the coaching which I utterly wasted utilizing . My conscience was hitting me , and the train sound was slapping me on my face . I said fine , let me give a try , I promised to myself that I will give my best shot in the next 1 week . I read everything I could , and I wrote the entrance exam . Results were yet to be announced . But my final year results were announced much before, I went to Hyderabad to clarify that I cleared with good percentage and when I checked with the examination board , to my surprise I was among the top 20 in the state in the overall 3 years. I never knew I was doing so good in academics otherwise I would have done even better for myself I thought . Its too late now . And again I traveled back home in the train , the train spoke to me again ,it gave me lot of confidence . I was now all pumped up to try for next year . And then magic happened, results were announced and I got 150+ rank in the entrance exam . I had the option of joining the 4 year course along with the gems of the state or chose a short cut , join a 3 year course in a remote college somewhere . I took the challenge . I chose the former and I got into one of the best colleges in the state .

Life stood at the same point where I started . I had to start again from zero as I never had any idea about any of the subjects.My aim was to maintain the record of never failing an exam in life. I got very moderate marks in my first year and I was coming back from holidays and the train made me speak to myself , asked me to fight back again.I regained my confidence thereafter and the results showed in positively,aggressively and exponentially with every semester ( Not that I studied all the time , I was a typical one day batsmen but a responsible batsmen ).

Third year arrived , I failed my first campus interview written test because I was not able to answer some 12th class questions , which I never studied in life. Life is unfair again. And then the story repeated with each company. I never understood why me answering a 12th Class Mathematics formula is important to get a software job. I was put into similar tests one company after another. And what hurted me more is I am yet to attend my first interview . I wanted to shout "Give me a chance , See my face , at least talk to me once and then reject " . I was denied opportunity to show what I am .Never tears came in eyes in any situation , I was always tough,but not anymore . I wanted to spend some time for myself.I went back home , again in the train , and by the time I reached home , the breeze in the train cleared my tears and it told me the story I always knew . It just reminded me of my past , it showed the person within me who has agreed to work for 1500 rupees and it showed me my journey. I had a strange grit after that . Spent some time at home and I came back and HCL happened .First company to ask me questions related to what I studied over the years. I was the only one to get through from my college.

June 4 2005 , I left for Bangalore , and my 12 hour train journey gave me an opportunity to think about my new dreams. As usual , Life again started tough , My 3-year tough period came back , It again had everything to make me suffer . I Went through a personal trauma , had Challenges at work , Struggled for survival, Needed to prove myself ,expectations , constantly awaiting unrealized dreams , Lost personality , Did Soul Searching. And Ever since , time and again ,my train journey, gave a nice little talk to myself , made me realize my mistakes , made me argue with myself , gave solace when I badly needed a hug and a voice . It just did the same thing again , showed me where I started and how I struggled , how I failed and how I won it again , it showed me the person who was willing to work for 1500 rupees and then suddenly all my problems in front of me used to became small .That talk always made me a better person. Not that I have achieved so much in life . I have just started now and all I know is whatever I have done so far is just home work and as Robert Frost says " I have promises to Keep , and miles to walk , before I sleep ...." .

I don't know if I was talking to my reflections or the train was enacting that character for me . I really don't know and I don't want to know the truth and separate them . The nature around us is strange , it tries to talk to you in strange languages , sometimes in the sound of a train whistles , sometimes in the form of the waves which touch the shore and your feet , sometimes in the form of breezes which talk something in your ears .You just have to listen to the one which is talking to you , and when you can talk back , you talk to yourself and then the Magic Happens . ......

Ravi Kiran *, Jagadeesh * are the people who helped me at crucial junctions. One for helping me to find a project and other helping me with a machine to work on. Can Never forget their favour.

ITS MY BIRTHDAY !!

2011-03-11T23:06:00.009+05:30

It has become a common ritual now , Prashanth and Archana call me before I wake up ( I dont blame them , not their mistake , some how I sleep late on this day ) and then I speak up , slowly opening my eyes and we exchange our wishes .They wish me on my birthday and I wish them both "Happy Anniversary". And then I immediately enter into a confrontation mode with Archana that its her turn of throwing a party . We look ways to refer to the pending parties which are cleverly designated as "Beautiful day" , "Wonderful Day" , "One fine Day" by some of our friends ( Long story, cant explain in detail , some other time ) . Neither of us agree on something concrete and Prashanth breaks our discussion saying "Lets meet up in the evening" and we hang up.

I get up thinking "So , its your birthday , So What am I supposed to do now ? " . Not that I dont remember my moms words ringing in my ears from last night " Get up in the morning , Go to temple " . I get up but fail to visit the temple , something stops me from doing it . Of couse , I have ready made reasons to tell my mom before she complains.

As a child , it was all that good . Buddies wish you in anticipation that you would end up giving them chocolates. And I always dissapointed many people. I used to call my usual buddies to my home . Every one turns up in the evening and my mom cooks nice biryani and feeds them all. It was good because people used to come to my home and we enjoyed a lot. Probably thats why I liked my birthday then. In my teens , my 4 little buddies from school who still remember my birthday used to come with a gift and I used to take them to a remote dhabha in Warangal everytime. We would complete 1 beer each and walk out with stuffed sweet pans so that it doesnt smell and we walk and look normally at home . I still doubt it was a convincing act for my parents to believe . It was the only day , when all the 4 used to meet me at once and I liked my birthday because of that . With time , the definition of Birthday changed in my life and so did my idea of a birthday . Slowly I somehow dint enjoy this day . I never told anyone about my birthday and nor did I like anything about it .Every birthday after my teens , I sit quietly and ask myself " So tell me Vicky what does your birthday mean to you ? " . I have 100 thoughts coming to my mind , but nothing convincing to satisfy myself.

I always failed to seperate my birthday from my other days , I sleep the same , I walk the same , I think the same . Yeah , I remember this day changes my fate in terms of age , like finishing 20's to entering 30's , I understand it makes a big difference to many , not to me . Some tell me "Go have a blast , drink and get high" . Yeah , I do that occasionally , so that doesnt make this day special ? .

With years of thoughts ,I had to come to an unanimous conclusion that, dont tell anyone , keep it off in FB/Orkut , just live as it is .Now , I dont believe in birthdays , I am the same bad man yesterday , I will be the same man today , probably it will not change anything tomorrow . The only thing I probably like about the concept of birthday is " I like people remembering me specially on this day" and nothing else. And next time dont be surprised when you see me throwing parties on others birthday and gifting them presents , thats because I dont like them to give the treat instead I would host a party and make them feel that I remember them dearly on their birthday . Yes , its a big thing in this changing world . I think this sentence would make more sense to you with years to come.

This year too , I went to office , did my best to justify my salary , and I walked off little early , Prashanth asked me , to be there @ 7:30 . I followed his instructions and reached there thinking I must be late . No , I was the early bird . Both Archana and Prashanth arrived with their cute girl and we exchanged greetings. Shortly joined by Dileep and Ramya, other close allies of mine. Conversations kicked off , one started pulling other , one complained about one's food preparations , one complained about investing Masala Dosa on one , the usual pranks continued ..... There was a time I almost went back in time , moments of past started appearing in front of me .

I still remember , me walking up to Prashanth and Archana and telling them " Guys , you have to work on 18 Jasper reports , which needs to be changed " . And before I doing my calculations , they would have told themselves " You take 9 , I will take 9 ". They started by sharing their work and now they share their lives . Sometimes I feel probably thats the reason they like me and call me for everything that happens in their lives . Thats Because I gave them work together .

I remember moments like when I once went to Dileep when he just joined as a fresher and I asked " How are you doing with your task ?" . He replied " I am first trying with a sample application , I think I will complete it in X time". I never intended to ask his delivery time , I was just making him comfortable but was puzzled with his typical fresher reply , "Answer with a timeline attached ". I could understand his reply seeing the project pressure around . I smiled back and left . He later on ,was with me in thick and thin times.

Ramya , i always knew about her more from her friends but never in person , probably it is out-of-fear or chosing not to speak with strangers we never spoke much , Once on a weekend , I was working at office and I was playing a song called "Aao Na " from "Kyun ho gaya na " and she hesitatingly and carefully asked whether I could share her this song . She must have double thought of it before asking me . She looked so frightened then. Now we get along well.

With all these thoughts rolling scene by scene , It took a phone call to bring me back to my senses. Now that I am with all those people from the past , when I think , it makes me feel how everyone knitted along so well with time , and did well in their lives . I get a feeling like I was standing still while these guys grew up , ditched the dust around , packed me up and taken me along with them . It feels so so good to think back.

As all good things come to an end , our short stint of time had to end , We all left greeting everyone "Bye" and I left with lots of striking memories .

I reached home and when I sat down , I felt the happiness I used to feel in my childhood . Dont know this is how one needs to spend a birthday or this is the way it was actually designed to be - Spend with someone who can make you remember your past , both good and old times ? . I never agreed on one particular definition of birthday , but I am sure this is not going to happen just once a year , this is definitely going to repeat itself , but Im glad this time it happened on my birthday giving some meaning to it.

PS : Ramya,Dileep,Prashanth and Archana - If you are reading this , Thanks for being part of my memories and for making me remember once in a while.

'నా' కోసమా , 'నీ' కోసమా , 'మన' కోసమా ?

2011-02-14T22:18:00.016+05:30

నువ్వు నాకు ఎలా కావాలి అంటే !!!!!! .....

నా కష్టాలకి నీ కన్నీళ్ళ ధారగా,

నా సంతోషాలకు నీ నవ్వు ప్రతిబింబం గా ,
నా ఇంటి దీపంగా,

నా కంటి రూపంగా,
నా కడ శ్వాసగా,

నా ప్రతి ద్యాసగా,

నా చేతి స్పర్శగా,

నా నోటి మాటగా,

నా నరకానికి స్వర్గంగా,

నా విరహానికి అర్ధంగా,

నా ఆనందానికి అద్దంగా ,

నా కష్టాలకి ఖడ్గం గా.....

................................

.................................

..................................

అవును ఇంతకి నేను అంటే నీకు ఇష్టమేగా ???????

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now a days , I see poeple dream before they tell the girl/boy how they feel ,

Adagaane Avunu antundha,

Abhiprayam ledhu antundha,

Arey chi po anni thanthundha ,

anni kuda alochinchakunda , they just dream for themselves .I know most of the movies work like that but not in reality ( leave the lucky few ).The role of the partner in this convincing/proposing act is just them saying "Yes".

I wantedly wrote this poem, with "Naa" because now it has become so self centric that the decisive factor is "About what I want", and is not about "What you also should give back" . Does it work this way ? . Cant there be some common goals , some goals which are your partners but not yours ? . Some goals to lose and to make your partner win ? .

Well I am not a master , but its definitely for you to do some soul searching ...All the Best ! .

Mirage of Immortality...

2010-11-07T10:00:00.007+05:30

6 Months Back , I went on a wonderful trip to Himalayas . I had an immaculate experience to not only have a closer look at mother nature but also got a chance to meet some wonderful people of different generations and from different parts of the country , who are still in touch with me . Thanks to FB ! .

To Single out one such name of the lot was Sanjivani Gawankar , close one's used to call her "Sanju" and new comers around like me, call her "Sanju Aunty" . My first impression was that she is just another "Aunty".

My First encounter with her was on the first day when we took an acclimatization walk. The moment we reached the destination we all fell down on our knees like a pack of cards . But Sanju Aunty's energy was still not down . She along with her long standing colleagues started dancing while others were singing Marathi songs . I still remember when someone said we need a girl to dance . She came running and shouted in her husky voice "Main hoon na Item girl ", and she was laughing with a tongue in cheek .Not that she really meant what she said . She just wanted to have fun and also make others day along with it . Later on , we came to know that the self proclaimed item girl was 50 years old and a banker.

Aunty Dancing on the peak ...

On my every day trek , blame it on the age or the sheer excitement to see whats there beyond those lush green sceneries or those high raised tempting mountains ,but I used to be among those people in the first line of action who used to lead the trek . I used to just start running when the guide used to call "Chalo !". And then I used to find this lady hovering just around me with the same enthusiasm . She just dint walk , she was a moving bundle of energy always commenting , joking and interacting with the people around .

She interacted with those young budding engineers , She spoke to the college joinees , She spoke to the middle aged men , She spoke to the porter girls and woman and she would always be tighter with her level headed veterans. She shifted topics from engineering drawing drafters to girl friends to playing pranks with guys linking them to beautiful porter girls , to making high level serious decisions depending on whom she was interacting .

Bhagat ji and Aunty playing prank giving an impression that they were trying to escape on a slant ice on an otherwise parallel ground .

At one moment , she would take care of one of those kids who came along with their troop and in another she would shift to the next kid playing with them. I wondered who were her actual kids and when someone else asked her the same question she replied "Sab mere bachein hain, Mera bada bacha idhar nahi hain bas " . I couldn't get what she actually meant at that point of time, I skipped through the conversation happening there .

Aunty kissing one of the kid on the block

She used to ask each and every one's names , their place , their background . She used to find it difficult to remember some of our South Indian names ( understandably ) and every day morning she used to verify it with us whether she remembers the names correctly along with our background. It showed she genuinely wanted to identify and relate each one of us .

She was not well in between due to dehydration side effects , and yet she carried on with the same momentum . I used to wonder seeing the energy in her , because some of my youthful friends were themselves struggling to put one step after another . She was a fighter in her own terms . And I used to be the silent admirer of her determination .

When we reached Thila lotni , a higher altitude place in Himalayas . I and some of my friends had the opportunity to talk in length with her and other aunties ( total 5 ) . Its important to mention about others too while I talk about Sanju Aunty . All were bankers , all ex national kabaddi players . I was told , the eldest lady among them at the age of 56 was the state's prestigious Chattrapathi Shivaji awardee. I immediately knew that there is more than what meets the eye . I couldn't hold back on asking Sanju Aunty - " Aunty , how come you are here at this age, I cant imagine my mom coming here ."

She replied "Kya kare hum logon ko abhi permission mila hain , All our life we had to work and take care of our family . Now since they are all relatively settled now , its our show time .My son is in UK studying structural engineering .Just like you friends , we also came with our friends , just that we are little older than you , just a little old huh " - she giggled ". I knew that the people I see in front of me , are from those early breed of women empowerment , the original multi- taskers, who put their family in front of their desires and are no way less than the other men at work and are now present to have their share of their life , reviving their youthful days . Our conversations ranged from discussing our cultures to our careers . We had a good conversation and had a nice time . I wanted to capture this moment in my camera but I resisted to ask for one . I have to Thank Mahi here . He asked for it and said " I will take one pic ". All the aunties said "Yes" , you are also like our son's. Sanju Aunty said - " Photo zaroor bhejna humein , yaad rakhenge sabko " .

The pic on which she commented on FB " With my sweet kids , 1 to my left and 1 to my right "

Days went ahead , I used to give a hand here and there and help her on the trek and we got along well with those tiny conversations on the way.

9 Days went off in a splash of sight making wonderful unforgettable memories on the way . I along with my friends were the first to leave the camp. Aunty called us ,she gave her email id , and said "Mumbai aana kabhi , directttt ghar ko aa jao , number likho mera " . She added " Mein Facebook mein hoon , mera bete se baat karthi na mai , Uss mein photo alag hain , aise track pant pahenke nahi rahoongi , usmein chudidhaar pehenke typical marathi aunty jaisa rahoongi , woh bhi mein hi hoon confuse mat hona " .

We all said Goodbye's to one another and parted our ways . At that time , we were not sure if we would see them again .

As soon as we went back to our regular day to day lives ,we were as usual busy bee's . The internet (Facebook) saved our relationships . Everyone started adding everyone , people started sharing pictures . Especially Pics from Arvindji and Mahesh were outstanding . Comments were floating around here and there

Sanju Aunty used to come online late in the evening , to talk to her son . And me being FB Savvy being online most of the times , she would ping me most of the times and ask what I am upto , She would tell how her days are going , she would say each and every person by name , ask about their well being . If she likes a status message , she would encourage our thoughts . Whenever she comes online , she would ping , and this would happen not only with me , but with each of us at sometime or the other .

Sanju Aunty is the most fav aunty among the people . She would claim , now her husband Mr. Harish ( he was not part of the trip) also knew each one of us because she kept talking about each one of us and he would relate us with our online pics . I must admit , she cant get over Mahesh's Paris Pics . She just loved it . Sometimes I got bored hearing about the same pics from her . She claims if any one comes to their house , Uncle would open Facebook and show all the pics .

Just when things were going fine , life took a complete new turn ....

In the last 6 years , for the first time I got a chance to spend close to 15 days with my family . I was at home and in comes a FB Message from one of my friend (Bhagat ji), which says "Sanju Aunty is no more " . I couldn't believe what I read and I was shell shocked . I immediately googled and I found the news article which says She has met with an accident and is no more. I couldn't react , I just jumped off my computer . I was restless ,the memories from the past started haunting me .I couldn't come to terms with the fact that the person with whom I was chatting 20 days back for long hours , is just not there anymore . I went out to change my mood , I sat at one my friends place , but I was still reminiscing all the chat conversations I had and specially the last chat excerpts . The promise she made to me " Tumhari Shaadi mein zaroor bulana ,mein pukka aaongi , Aur Mujhe South mein bhi ghoomna hain " .

I was disturbed , 2 days passed by and I was trying to divert my mind . I was talking and laughing with my mom but I was somewhere missing the other mom . If I think along , her voices would appear.Other fellow trekkers almost shared the same grievance in the mails . All I did is to refrain from using FB for some days .

The fact is that this too shall pass by . Time would finally allow pain to alleviate ,but the void created for the family members ,her son and the people in the close circuit would be irreplaceable .

I personally think it would have helped those growing kids playing hopscotch in the surroundings who would have called her "Aayi" . She would have told them how to stay grounded while you grow , She would have told how a women should manage everything . How to smile and make people smile . How to spread love .

As in mythology , Hanuman brought "Sanjivani" booti to save the life of Lakshman . Sanju aunty has lived to her name . She with her energy has given the passion to live to the fullest and spread the power to love to many people around. She is a true example of "Celebration of Being Alive".

I thought off and I thought long , This is just one angle to this story . Likewise I am sure , there would be many voices which would join me in talking about such "Sanjivani's" . All we have to do is to just learn one thing . This Life is just a mirage of Immortality and it is indeed immortal but only if you make it one .

She might have left this place , but her good deeds done , love shown , would be living with others life . And Yes , she is still alive in others life . Life is Immortal .

Life is lot of promises, dreams and memories ,
Its a mirage of Immortality .
And It takes everything away within a stroke of time ,
This is Cruelty ,
This is Life's Reality ,
But its up to you how do you make it look as Immortality.....

In Memory of Dear Sanju Aunty . Miss you and your energy around . I Mean it ! .

ఎండ వానల ఇంట పుట్టిన ఇంద్రధనుశుక్కు ఆయువు ఎంతో ,
కంటి పాపల తోటి కళలకు కలిసి బ్రతికే కాలం ఎంతో ,
తెలుపగలవా ఓ మనసా ??,
డోలలు ఊగే ఇ బ్రతుకు వరుస !!

నువ్వేనా....

2010-06-23T23:49:00.001+05:30

రూపం లో చిలకమ్మ లా , ( పొట్టి పిల్ల లే ..)
తేనె తొట్టి లాంటి నీ బాష లా ,
లేడీ జింకలా ఆడే నీ కనుల ఆట లా ,
కోపం లో నిప్పుల కొండ లా ,
చిన్నారిల కల్మషం లేని కిల కిల నవ్వు లా ,
పువ్వు పై వాళే తూనీగకూడా మరిపించే , నీ పెదవి పై వాళే నాలుక లా ,
కుందేలు చర్మం వంటి సునితమైన నీ చర్మం లా,
వెర్రి ఎక్కించే లాగ వునావు గా !!

నిన్నేనా నా మనసు కోరుకుంటుంది నిన్నే నా ?,
ఇన్నాలు నేను ఎదురు చూసింది నీకేనా ? ,
నువ్వే నా ఎద లో కురుకుపోతుంది నువ్వేనా.

నవ్వుతు మాట్లాడినట్టే వుంటావు ,
మెలిగా "ఛి" పో అని నా పై అలుగుతావు ,
ఇది నీకు తగునా ??,

ఏంటో ........................... ,
నీ మాయ మాటల్లో పడిపోతుంటే ,
నీ నవ్వులో కళ్లు కలిపి పాడుతుంటే ,
నీ చూపుల్లో ప్రతి నిమిషం ఆడుతుంటే ,
నీ అడుగుల సడి లో నా మనసు లాగుతుంటే ,
నీ కను సైగాలకు పిచ్చి ఎకుతుంటే ,
ఇవ్వని మనసుకి తెలుస్తుంటే ,
అయిన అది ముందుకు నేడుతుంటే ,
నాకే తెలియని నొప్పి కలుగుతుంటే ,
మగాడు అనిపించే మగతనం వున్నా ,
అసలు నా చేతులో ఏమైనా వుందా ???....

ముని లా వున్నా నన్ను , నువ్వు చెడ కొడుతునా ,
నేను తడుస్తూ , నీకు గొడుగు పడుతునా ,
"అరేయ్ ఏముందే మీ ఆడ వారిలో " అన్ని వెయ్యి సార్లు అనుకున్నా ,
జీవితం లో అది మాత్రం నాకు అర్ధం కాలేదు రా చిన్న !! ..

ఆఖరికి నన్ను నేను పిచ్చి వాడిగా అనుకున్నా ,
తన జ్ఞాపకాలను నా ఎద లో నింపుకున్నా !!!

Tried emoting the feelings of a guy , after seeing his helplessness to manage the "love" offered and the "struggle" which comes with it ,after seeing his face full of confusions of commitments, And after seeing the way he was being controlled by his girlfriend with her eyes and expressions .

I dedicate this to the girl , who came without any warning , and who left without any permission on my train journey , making my journey memorable . Thanks for inspiring me to write on you , Wish you could also read this ......

Written on 19 - May -2009 . Posting here today ......

Love ,
Vicky

NOSTALGIC RIDE......

2010-04-06T16:34:00.000+05:30

If I start talking I will be called as being NOSTALGIC,
But this day was really Pure MAGIC.

They Say "Every day is not a Sunday",
And I was made to realize it only on Sunday.

Its a day when I went back into my MEMORIES,
And I had no choice except to stand in the midst of the FLURRIES .

I was thinking and roaming in a vehicle as a REGAL ,
And My Destination just happened to turn out as WARANGAL.

I saw myself again in front of my EYES,
Which totally broke my hard ICE.

Even Before I could sense its FEEL,
Each frame rolled on REEL by REEL.

I Was where I used to climb the TREES,
Knowing there can be many HONEY BEES.

I Was where I used to go to my SCHOOL,
Which made me COOL from a FOOL.

I Was where I used to Sleep on the FOOTPATH,
Passing each day of financial hurdles as a WARPATH.

I Was where I used to run and scat all ALONE ,
When my future was never looking like my very OWN.

I was where I used to restlessly fall APART,
When the two kids always asked "Anna Lets Bat !"

I was where I started my LIFE,
Which I cannot forget even if I cut myself with a KNIFE.

I know every day is not a Sunday ,
But not all Sundays were such a Sweet Pain Day.

Post Script : Written with sub conscious mind , after being drunk , overjoyed after seeing the two kids who used to play cricket with me , grow so big and now who are up as a Steam . Overjoyed by seeing my engineering roommate getting married and obviously overjoyed by revisiting my old memories .

These Words will just be the pen of my ART,
But the real joy is still pounding inside my HEART.
Which will never ever DEPART.

Love,
Vicky

Dated : 05-Apr-2010

LIVING A DOG'S LIFE........

2010-03-03T11:26:00.001+05:30

In the little life I had so far , I came across good and bad moments in mine as well as others life . When I hear about good experiences, I see people coming up with different words , expressions and sometimes there is no limit of words for expressing happiness . But , In all intense situatuons of expressing tough and bad moments , one would hear people ending up saying -" I was literally living a dogs life" . And this term has always fought with my conscience. I seldom asked myself what does "Living a dogs Life" actually mean . And why is that it is always typecasted to express negative things ?

I would like to tell you a small story . A very short one this time .

" Veterinarian John ,has been called for examining 10-year labrador named "Snowy".The house owner , his wife and their 7-year old boy ,Charles were expecting a miracle.John examined and found that he was dying of cancer and informed they hardly have time for its death.He said he could give mercy killing for it . And the pets owners accepted it , not seeing the dogs pain.

Charles was petting the dog for the last time and his parents thought it is OK , for him to stay coz he wouldnt understand much . Charles Mom asked him to say bye to the dog and he went and kissed it and whispered something in its ears. John did his work and Snowy quietly slipped away. Charles Mom was disturbed and she was in tears . And Charles dad and Mr John were convincing her that after all its a animal and explaining the sad part that it lives shorter than human lives . John observed that Charles was unmoved and he wondered whether the kid understood anything. Charles Mom continued to cry and she screamed "Why ? Why ?".

Charles who was quiet till then piped out , he said "I know Why". Everyone stopped talking and were looking at Charles . He was petting the dog with his little hands and said these words - " People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life , and then they try to be good , like being nice and loving everybody . Right ?". He continued -" Well, dogs already knew how to do that , so they dont have to stay as long ".

I too once had a cute little puppy . I saw it probably when it is just out of its mothers womb , I found it on the road side . I never knew what it feels like breeding a dog . But the way it saw in my eyes , I guess it was Love at first sight . I brought it home . Seeing its milky white face and fur , we named it as "Snowy" .

I witnessed its life totally . Snowy sees you as if it can understand you .It plays with you as if it has got no other friend.It eats only when it is fed .It shares everything it has got without even uttering a single word . Of course, it barks out when we(humans) ignore or cant understand what it is saying .I still remember the way it jumps/attacks on someone , who even for a joke acts/tries to beat my mom even if it was me .My mom is everything for it .It lived as if its life is not for him but for the people around it .When it went off , it created a huge void in me ,for days and for years. The impact was such that I never dared to have a pet dog again.Everything happened like in those so many movies we see , but to tell you long story short ,it was with us for 1.5 years and when it took its last breath , it was in my arms and we both were drenching in the rain . The rain washed the happiness we shared forever but not the memories I had with it.

I feel the greatest life led is when you live for others . And that is what humans also preach. And that is why people like Mother Teresa ,Nelson Mandela or Mahatma Gandhi are treated as Gods. They all said that's what we call "Living a Life" means .And when a dog shows it how to live a complete life ,it is called a Dogs Life . No doubt , it sleeps outside , it eats only when someone throws food , but how different are we ? . Im also eating coz some one feeds my bank account, which I call it as "My Money" .Unfortunately unlike me , dogs dont have call centers to query -"Wheres my money?". But still it does what it does better , most of the time not expecting much from you.

Sometimes I think , Did human beings give higher status to any other living being in this world apart from human beings ? . The answer is NO ( Have We ?) .We have never given it.We always made sure that we being intellectuals , with the growing science and with our fast paced lives have ensured that the greatest living being on this planet is only "HUMANS" .and I am not surprised , we calling its Life as "Just a Dogs Life". All the Good things of a Dogs Life are kept aside , and what is being projected is just the incomfortbaly comfortable life .Isnt this a hippocrisy ? .

When I think the way it lived its life , its great and its a dream for me . I wish I could live so nicely in such a crisp short time . And having experienced such a life , I never came to terms with people saying "Living a dogs Life" to express their dejected,sad or tough moments in life .

I am not writing to show my outburst nor I am emotional ,but I am just sharing my thoughts that touch me on the fly and next time after reading this , if it makes you think once before calling a "Dogs Life" ,then the very purpose of this post is satisfied.

Even though I share the same sanguine of humans , I am buoyant enough to say that I would like to Live a Dogs Life and Next time someone calls me a Dog [ I have a friend who calls me so :-) ], I will instead think that I am on track. What About you ? .

Miss you Snowy ,
TRYING to Live your Life,
Love,
Vicky

DESTINY'S CHILD

2010-02-01T15:30:00.000+05:30

Destiny's Child - Sorry Guys , I am not even going near Beyonce Knowles now .(Just for the record - her song "Crazy in Love" ,from her debut album is one of my favorite of her songs). Then "Who is this Destiny's Child Now ?" is what you may ask me . Hmmm .

PREVIEW : I once read a story on broken relationships , and the journey back into the life . It was a serious story with heart breaking facts of life . Although I admired the writer who enlightened with some provoking thoughts , I have given a thought on my side , and I felt it can also be told in a much better way . In Life , there will be many heart breaks but life doesnt stop there , it moves on (sometimes slowly) , and you see a better future and often you think of the past ( People like me after a drink :-P ) , and you will realize its a roller coaster journey with a unteachable learning for life.

I have extrapolated that situation ,started living those characters and explored with my charcters a bit more , added my point of views and credited this story as 'Destiny's Child . Go ahead and read now .

OPENING SHOT - ROMANCE IN THE AIR :

( A Lovely beach resort with a man in a pathan dress walks over the sand . Camera pans in )

KHAN : Hi, My Name is KHAN and I am a HAPPY person . What ? , Did I surprise you ?. But I am not surprised if in case you are surprised . In this fast paced lives , and these self centered attitude of people , I rarely hear that someone saying 'I am Happy' from the bottom of their hearts , but all said and done I am HAPPY and I AM LUCKY .

(Voice from the Background : Haan Ji , I am waiting for you Here . Our table is Ready ).

KHAN : Yeah Coming Darling . ( A Smile ) . Thats my Wife , Ruksaana . She's the Reason for my Happiness . She has filled the empty spaces and has connected all the dots in my life . I got to rush now . My Wife is waiting and our dinner table is ready.....

[Half past Nine in the night , A Moonlight Lawn , Curtains floating around , Melodious Love Songs from the 80's playing , the sound of Waves whispering in the ears asking them to come and play with them , the roses dancing to the sweet-scented cool breeze drifting across the gardens, and above everything , Her eyes speaking to KHAN's eyes in silence while Ruksaana spoon feeding Hyderabadi Chicken Biryani to KHAN. Boy you once fall for it ,you are in the trap forever . Jokes Apart , What else could be the most romantic part for a married couple ? . ] ....

KHAN : ( Speaks out to Camera again , chewing his food) . There was a time , I was in dark , I never knew I will be again Hungry for Life . And I never knew there was light at the end of the tunnel . And then Ruksaana Walked into my Life . We both got married four weeks back , after we were engaged for a mere 10 days.

My Parents had found Ruksaana through an online matrimony and had chosen her after scanning many profiles . Whenever My Mom says "Maine Dulhan ko tere liye lakho mein pakada tha " ( I have chosed the bride from thousands of girls ) . I remember the famous Dharmender dailogue from Sholay " Kameene Chun Chun ke Maaroonga " . I was almost pretty sure that , a girl in my life will not only make my life miserable , which is already full of chaos , but also hers . And my mom made me realize that everytime she repeated the same dialogue . Incidentally as the fortune favours the brave , Ruksaana was BRAVE enough that her fate was in the same company . Yes , she was also working in the same company ,playing typical female MBA graduate's home-run job - "Human Resources Department Manager".

It all Started here in the same lawn , The first meeting was a good one . Our parents gave about an hours time in private to know each other and for me , it was more like an HR round of some walk-in interview. It was a clear case of injustice that day .And all I get to ask is an initial "Hi" , and then she took over the scene completely . She had thrown me so many questions , that I was thinking of going and buying Glucon-D , after answering ALL . Anyways I was not keen to find out anything about her . I had already said Yes even before meeting their family . My "Yes" although comes from me , was only for my parents . I thought atleast Let them be happy THIS TIME ,and then life changed altogether .

( Light fades out and the camera pans in on the waves on the beach . Signs of the Flashback ! )

[ SCENE 2 - EARLY DAYS OF FRESH FLOWERS - KHAN and RUKSAANA got engaged the previous day and they planned to meet again in the famous Forum Mall . As they strolled around and chit-chatted , KHAN called out "Hey Ruku , lets go there " . Ruksaana's pet name was Ruku . " Ruku kutty " was the name called by KHAN when he wants to tease her and even she liked it. He felt she was so childish , even after accounting that she was 4 years less than him ) .

KHAN : Rukku , Have you realised its not even 10 days for our marriage now .

RUKU : Yeah , and I am warning you now itself . Go live your life , live it to the fullest , and be done with your bachelorhood .Dont repent afterwards. She smiled with a barbie doll cuteness.

(He didnt react much . He stayed glued to that cute smile with a serious face .)

RUKU : Hey What Happened . Are you Scared ?, she asked with a Serious face .

KHAN : I was still serious , this time seeing the transition from cuteness to seriousness

(Only girls can look cute in one second and serious in another second .He thought) .

KHAN : I took a gasp out and replied , No I am ready for it ,just that its all happenening so fast and I was wondering how could you agree so fast ?.

RUKU : Khan Saab , When my parents told me that someone is ready to take me as his wife and he works in the same company , I was very comfortable . I started peeping into your records and your sal slips and.....(she stopped).

KHAN: ( With anticipation ) .. AND ??

RUKU : I did google on you and I read your website too . I read everything about you before I actually knew you .

KHAN : Website ???? . Oh you mean my Blog .

RUKU : (Romantically Saying )....Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

KHAN : Its not a web site , mind you , its a blog .

RUKU : Whatever opens in browser for me is a web site , she said flying Pop corn in the air .

KHAN : (Thinking - its anyways waste of telling what is what to non-technical species , so he ignored the line said before ,Otherwise given a chance I would have failed her in the current walk-in interview which is goin on now ) . So ? , What made you feel I was good ?.

RUKU : I was really impressed by your articles (KHAN smoking in his mind : Come on , its a blog not an article) specially the article - "Leaf's departure is because of Winds pursuit or Tree didnt ask her to stay ".

KHAN : What you just fell for me , by reading an ARTICLE written for someone else ? .( After the slip of the tongue by saying 'ARTICLE' , he felt -'How quick girls change you too' ) .

RUKU : Well Not Exactly !! .

KHAN : Now what ?

RUKU : The only way you express your love to a girl is by words and not by giving roses . I know you have written each word there right from your heart. I just imagined that you have written everything for me and I was ready to be your wife .

KHAN : (Disgusted he raised his voice ) - How can you imagine everything about me by reading some crap. How sure are you now that I am good ? . I am not good now what will you do .(Khan said folding his hands) .

RUKU : Who said your articles are crap . They are very good . My Husband is a Good writer.(Smiling...)

(Silence prevailed there for sometime).

RUKU : Looks like to make myself not look like a fool , I have to confess something now .

KHAN : ( The tention is back on his face now . Its a thriller movie which is running in front of him ).

RUKU : I actually inquired about you in your team .

KHAN : Holy S**** ! . Now I know why I was the only guy not invited for 'Meet your HR' one-on-one program last week.

KHAN : So , You took advantage of your position . You know what does that mean ? . I will report to the management now ?

RUKU : VeVaVeVaVeVa....( She giggled making strange sounds and winked her eye ).

[ Only girls can make such noises and still look convincingly beautiful ] .

KHAN : (Thinks : What I see in front of me is not my wife smiling , its an evil mind . Somebody just like that did not say -"Girls are both Beauty & the Beast". I see it now .)

(Khan realised he has got a chance to see a transition from a cute smile to a serious smile and now to a evil smile . He has also experienced her playing the role of a kid and then changing into a matured woman and then to a calculated woman )

RUKU : I listened to your team members opinion about you . And I formed my opinion about you . Its better than a normal guess right ? . Hope you are now OK with my decision.All this while I couldnt see your crooked face, Now that I have told you the truth ,dont keep your face like that darling . plssssssss....

( If someone asks you like that , what else can you do .KHAN smiled )

KHAN : (Thinking : Boy , Did I marry a Bond Girl ? I wish there are no cameras now in my house . I feel Im being spy'd now ) . First things First . I need to change the job first. Atleast for my wife .All said and done , I am finding my lost love in Rukku now .

(The thought of lost love provoked him to ask a question ).

KHAN : Shall I ask you one thing ? . Dint you had any boyfriends ?

(After a pause and a little thought he added )

KHAN : Specially after you being so beautiful .

(The move quite worked out )

RUKKU : Smiled !! . I did . Four till date.

KHAN : ( Hiding his anxiety and trying to act normal) - Then What happened ?

RUKU : They were good boyfriends but they dont make right husbands.

KHAN : Why they cant write articles or what ? ( Sarcastically )

RUKU : (Seriously) Why are you getting so anxious ? . Before you ask anything , let me tell you . I gave myself to you . You know what I mean right ?.

KHAN : Laughed ! . It doesnt matter as long as we both are together as one soul . ( KHAN said trying to create a romantic atmosphere after sensing sensitive road ahead)

(Khan tapped himself invisibly , Man that worked out - She Smiled back ).

RUKU : Anyways I dint ditch them , they went away .

RUKU : Thats my story . What about you ? You never told me about the girl you used to write in the blog .

( Hearing the right term -'blog' this time from her made him happy but also called in for another trick )

KHAN : Hey In Shopper Stop , there is 50% off on Ear Rings . You want to check them out?
(Ruku was mad at ear rings , she's got different different hangings for each top.He used that weakness to his trick)

RUKU : You Bet ! . Chalo ji Chalo andhar chalo jaldi ( Come one lets go in quickly )

(KHAN has been lucky today , all his tricks has worked out to plan . But Anyways its damn easy to divert a woman's mind , he thought ).

[ SCENE 3 - FLASHBACK CONTINUED -EMOTIONS IN MOTION - Like every Weekend KHAN & RUKU went on to explore new restaurants in the city .This time they got hold of the new BARBEQUE restaurant in Indira Nagar with a Nice roof top and soft live music playing in the background . It was a perfect gateway for a family or a couple on any day . KHAN preferred a corner seat , so that no one can disturb them , sorry a small correction , so that no one can disturb Ruksaana's talking . ]

(Suddenly a cute little kid walks closer to the table and touches KHAN from backside . RUKKU loved kids and she got up from the seat )

RUKU : Chowww Chweet ...She started stretching his cheeks .

RUKU : Looked into KHAN's eyes , raised her eyebrows ,drawing strange symbols and winked her eye ,signalling KHAN that this is the kind of kid she always coquetted to have with him .

( A Familiar Voice from behind shouting "Sam Come here , Sam Come here , You are becoming naughty day by day " . RUKU complemented the woman that their kid is lovely)

RUKU : Your Kid is very very cute . How old is he ?

XXXXX : Thank you ! . He is almost 2 .

(Again the voice seemed familiar and KHAN turns back and she turns right and words get stuck in the throat .She looks at her husband , and then picks the kid and walks away without uttering a single word with Ruku . Ruku came back and shrugged her shoulders not understanding the lady's sudden reaction (walk) back to her husband .Silence took a new entry between them . Thats a rare thing happening when Ruku's is around . KHAN's mind was totally fazed out . Finally he broke the silence.)

KHAN : Lets go to some other place, I am kind of not liking it here .

RUKU : What happened ? . 5 minutes back you said its lovely here .

(Silence reappeared there again. Ruku was also calm uncharacteristacally)

RUKU : (This time Ruku broke the silence) I can sense that you are totally disturbed and unnerved . What is that which is bugging you ?.

(All this while , RUKU was not silent , she was studying KHAN's mind ).

RUKU : Come on tell me KHAN . I always thought you are really heavy at heart . Even your laugh comes out with great difficulty . I didnt want to tell you , But I cannot see the spark for me in your eyes . I feel you are troubling yourself all the time . Are you not happy with me ? .

(She touched his hand .KHAN lifted his head hearing such serious question , but went down again , after finding that RUKU was seeing straight into his eyes and may be with some tears .He was not sure whether they were tears there . He couldnt dare to find it ).

Already KHAN was fighting his heart out inside , he had to also handle this emotional blackmail also . For once , he spoke out .

KHAN : Its Nethra .(Clearing his throat , he repeated ) Its Nethra .

(She took back her hands , and folded her hands and was sitting as if a movie is going to start now ).

KHAN :Thats the name of the woman who just came here sometime back . She was my college mate and in Electronics department . I was kind of attracted initially towards her. I then approached her for friendship . We became good friends , we started going out . and then I proposed to her in the final year .

(RUKU came front lying her hands on the table and with her eyes wide open ).

KHAN : She accepted immediately . We Started missing each other even if it is for 5 minutes and then we planned to get selected in the same company . Everything went by our plan . We got seleceted in the same company . We even had the names of our children ready. With Nethra , I could really see the world . I mean literally. It was a beautiful feeling .

KHAN : We went to our homes on holidays and I told my parents . There was a sudden outburst immediately. Appa said -"We are Muslims , they are Christians . How this is gonna work". I just said one line . If I am marrying anyone its got to be Nethra . They were dowm emotionally for some days , and then finally after understanding my stand on her , accepted her whole heartedly . I introduced her to my family and they even liked Nethra . They wanted to talk to her parents too.

( Ruku's eyes were gleaming , its not that she did not expect this flashback from KHAN ,she always knew there is someone in his past after reading his blogs , but the way Khan was explaining her as 'her life','I could really see the World' ,etc . Those were the kinds of words she always expected KHAN to associate her with ,which she failed to listen from him in the last few weeks after marriage . Its something poking her inside . Sometimes even if they dont want to , jealousy takes over them easily)

KHAN : But before they tell them , Nethra wanted her parents to listen from her first . She revealed this in their home . Theres was a conservative family and they did not have a good opinion on love marriages . Nethra was very much emotional about her parents and specially her sister . She tried hard to make everyone understand the situation . Same night , Nethra's father had a cardiac arrest and reports said that it was because of his recent emotional low . Her mother fall on her legs , and saidplease save your dad . Make me happy . He always wanted you to get married to Kurian Uncle's son . They are best friends from childhood . Now your father is worried he can never show his face in the society and to his friend .

( Took a deep sigh and his words were shivering with time signifying he is emotional . He was blowing out air and gathering energy to speak out . All signs of an emotional volcano breaking out inside)

KHAN : She came back , and dropped a nucleur bomb on me . She succumb to pressure and then she left me stranded . RUKU has closed my doors to world , I still dont blame her . I always knew she was very sentimental towards her parents . I even understand their parents emotions , but ultimately I couldnt make myself understand .

KHAN : I still remember that day . She said "Lets be friends like before " . I did not accept . I explained "I am still your friend, I cant be beside you with that feeling" . I said " Take Care Nethra , Be happy " . She left with a note " I am really very sorry Khan , Will miss you for Life . Take Care ! " .

KHAN : I got to know that she even quit the company and I never tried to contact her after that .

KHAN : They say ,Time heals everything . I dont know why it showed its back on me ,it never took care of me . I was there in the same web for atleast 3 years . Sometimes , Nethra's words come to me in my dreams , sometimes when I sit silent in the night . I sometimes hear her chuckling laugh in my ears,sometimes I see that dazzling smile on an imaginary screen ,sometimes I feel she is just standing beside me . I went into solitude ,searching for a bit of joy all the time .Sometimes I really want to know "How she is doing " , and then finally I started a blog , to vomit my emotions now and then ,which you have also seen . It helped me a lot .

KHAN : One fine day , Mom & Dad came with your photo to me , and they started crying . I had no other chance , This time I had to surrender to pressure . I said , I would marry any girl that they would put in front of me .

( RUKU was listening each and every word of his . This time she became emotional , she wanted to ask , "So was I a compromise ? . Was I just someone " . She didnt wanted to interrupt then ,she thought she would wait to hear more from the man who dares to call her a 'Compromise' ) .

KHAN : Tears this time passed the finish line , it now rolled down his cheeks .

(Ruku was thinking is it the right time to ask what she wanted )

KHAN : BUT.....( he continued wiping off his tears).

Its You , who treat me as a Gain ,

Its You, who taught me live life Again.

Its You, who taunt me in my Dreams ,

Its You , whom I want to be by all Means.

Its You, who takes care of my Health ,

Its You, who thinks I am as your Wealth

Its You, with whom I have lots of Fun

Its You, to whom I promise we will always be One

Its You, who comes in my Dreams

Its You, who fits in all Frames

Its You , who has a smiling Face

Its You , who will always be my Ace

You and only YOU , will always be inside me till the day I am alive ,

For which YOUR LIFE IS MY LIFE .

You are ME and I am YOU and

I SEE ME IN YOU .

I LOVE YOU ,

I LOVE YOU

(Saying this looking straight into her eyes , Khan Broke Down , Ruku Stood over and came and sat beside him . She hold his hand tightly and hugged her from beside.KHAN never felt like this when she hugged him before. )

( This time Tears not only crossed finish line , but it went to other race course . Ruku started crying . The tears coming out of her are not her emotions , it was all her doubts of 'Compromise' she had . Their Souls purified themselves within no time . )

RUKU : Khan Listen to me . Stop Crying .Look at me First . Promise me you will never leave me .

( Even though KHAN heard only one line of request to be promised , he sensed many in her eyes . He found out that , she asked him to be the ONE in her life and all that she wanted is a little love in return for everything of hers . He nodded his head ).

RUKU : Come , Lets go out somewhere else . I will prepare food for you at home today .

(They started back , and both not aware of each other , have seen Nethra from the corner of the eyes . Khan noticed Her Kajal spreading out indicating tears crossing boundaries this time ,and Ruku has seen whether she is more beautiful than her or not . And then she unanimously declared to herself that She is no comparision to her in beauty .After walking few yards ....)

RUKU : I LOVE YOU KHAN .

KHAN : I LOVE YOU TOO !!!.

( Khan refreshed his mind , that he has once got a chance to see her playing the role of a cute girl , and then in a matured woman , and then in a calculated woman , and then in a jealousy woman , and then in a romantic woman . Now he feels he can add an emotional woman , caring woman , and more than anything a woman who is his better half in the true sense to that list).

SCENE 4: Revived Life

( Camera pans out and focusses on Khan again, Khan is still in the pathan dress and sitting on the edge of the Beach .Looks like now Tears have crossed time-spaces . Its now managed to get back from flashback to present ).

KHAN : First time , I could feel RUKU speak to me without actually not uttering a single word . The Silence around her and the touch of her hands on me was speaking everything for itself .Its just that moment , the words -"I LOVE YOU KHAN " , made me feel I am already in Love ..Again .... Those were not the words of expression of love . Those were the vows we took for having each other . That was the day when I actually got married to her , from my heart .

Nethra taught me what is to love . Ruksaana has showed me how to love , she taught me what is living in love . Both are important to me . I loved one and now , other made me love her. I cannot blame any of them except my fate . I have got no regrets now . I have come to terms with Life now .

That day , What shook me more compared to me seeing her again is she naming her kid "Sam". Nethra and I had planned our kid name too . She wanted it to be "Sam" if it is a boy (and "Sanjna" if its a girl) ,so that it could match with both our religions and my name. I wanted her to forget me , even though somewhere I feel she wont ( May be we cant ) , but she couldnt forget me. After being with Nethra for so many days , I could very well read that she was not not only shocked when she saw me , but she was still living with that guilty feeling . I just hope she buries all the hatchets and be Happy forever .

They say "Marriages are made in heaven ". Made or not , I do not know , but one thing , the one whom you are going to marry , would have already been decided by someone whom the world calls as "Destiny" . He sends his angels down here to make it happen . Not many can see those angels , but I could see. If that day , Sam wouldnt have walked to my table, I wouldnt have fallen in love with Ruku again . He made that happen . Im sure after seeing me with Ruku together, he made Nethra realize, that I have crossed the waters and its time for her to move on . Nethra must have named him "Sam" , but he is the shadow of our destiny . Sam is our Destiny's Child who have brought life back into our life.

( Ruksaana is seen playing out on the beach with some kids in the background).

After losing on Love once , I have renovated my life a lot .Now I know the actual importance of Love in my life and its time to get better of it . Let me have my share now .

(Khan Runs back to Ruku , accompanying her on her child pay ) .

(Turning Back )

By the way I never told you my full name. My Name is 'SAM'EER KHAN . I WISH YOU all the LOVE.Nice Meeting you ......

PS : Please dont tag this story to my life . I had to say this explicitly coz on my last post , there were lots of "suspcious minds" trying to fit me in some character or the other.Please dont drag me on the screen with the characters , I am better off behind the scenes :-)

All Said , Looking forward for your comments and your point of views on this post.

Love ,

Vicky

Love and Let Love Live !

2010-01-27T13:54:00.000+05:30

This was in 2006 , I had to see a strange situation in someone else's life ,of course it was once again about those typical youth crushes and the destiny which decides "Who gets Who" . I cannot reveal all the details but in the middle of the night , I had a question which is again one of those tricky questions just like - " Egg comes first or the Chicken ?". I even sent to groups then , to listen to people's opinions .It became a famous forward but I did not have many reactions then ,May be people started thinking too much and came up with no answer. Now, I thought its better I start from where I stopped .

The Question is "Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay ??? ". Before you try to answer the question ,read the following story .

Tree :

People call me "Tree". I had dated 5 girls when I was in PUC . There is one girl who I love a lot but never dared to go after. She didn't have a pretty face, goodfigure or an outstanding charm. She was just a very ordinary girl. I liked her. I really liked her. I liked her innocence, her frankness, herintelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her was that I felt somebody so ordinary like her was not a good match for me. I was also afraid that after we were together all the feelings would vanish. I was also afraid other's gossip would hurt her.I felt that if she were my girl, she'd be mine ultimately & I didn't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompanying me for 2 years. She watched me chase other girls, and I have made her heart cry for 2 years. She was a good actor, and me a demanding director. When I kissed my second girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smiled & said, "Go on!" before running off.The next day, her eyes were swollen like a walnut. I did not want to know what caused her to cry. Later that day, I returned from soccer training to get something & watched her cry in the classroom for an hour or so. My fourth girlfriend did not like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she is not the type that will start the quarrel. However, I still sided my girlfriend.I shouted at her & ignored her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she was laughing & joking with me like nothing happened. I know she was hurt but she did not know deep down inside I was hurt too.When I broke up with my fifth girlfriend, I asked her out. Later that day, I told her I had something to tell her. I told her about my breakup. Coincidentally, she has something to tell me too, about her getting together. I knew who the person was. His pursuit for her had been the talk of the School. I did not show her my heartache, I showed just smiles & showered Best wishes. Once I reached home, I could not breathe. Tears rolled & I brokedown. How many times have I seen her cry for the man who did not acknowledge her presence? ."Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay ? ".

Leaf :

People call me Leaf. During the 2 years of PUC, I was on very close terms with a guy as buddy kind. However, when he had his first girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 months. When they broke up, I hid my happiness. But after a month, he got together with another girl.I liked him & I know he liked me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he loves me why he didn't he make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. After some time, I began to suspect that this was one-sided love. If he didn't like me, why did he treat me so well? It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. I know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can't expect me a girl, to ask him. Despite that, I still wanted to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, and love him. Hoping that one day, he will come to love me. Because of this, I waited for him.Sometimes, I wondered if I should continue waiting. The pain, the dilemma accompanied me for 2 years. At the end of my 2nd year, a junior pursues me. Everyday he pursues me. He's like the cool & gentle wind, trying to blow off a leaf from a tree. In the end, I realized that I wanted to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know the wind will bring the leaf to a better land.Finally, leaf left the tree, but the tree only smiled & didn't ask me to stay.Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or cause Tree didn't ask her to stay ?.

Wind :

Because I like a girl called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree, so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was 1 month after I was transferred to this new school. I saw a petite person looking at my senior & he playing soccer. During Sports time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends, looking at him. When he talks with girls, there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like, she likes to look at him.One day, she didn't appear. I felt something missing. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me,smiled & accepts the note. The next day, she appeared & passes me a note and left.It read, "Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away." "It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree." I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within 4 months, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know, she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope.Hoping that she will agree to be my girlfriend. I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked, "What are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?" She said, "I'm nodding my head". "Ah?" I could n't believe my ears. "I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her doorbell. During the moment when she opens the door, I hugged hertightly.

Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay...?

In love, we win very rarely, but when love is true, even if you lose, you still win just for having the tingle of loving someone more than you love yourself. There comes a time when we stop loving someone, not because that person has stopped loving us but because we have found out that, they'd be happier if we let go. Why do we close our eyes when we sleep? When we cry? When we imagine? When we kiss? This is because THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGS IN THE WORLD ARE UNSEEN.There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind, but keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world. It's the beginning of a new life.

A great love? It's when you shed tears and still you care for them, it's when they ignore you and still you long for them. It's when they begin to love another and yet you smile and say, "I'm happy for you." If love fails, set yourself free, let your heart spread its wings and fly again.Remember you may find love and lose it, but when love dies, you never have to die with it.The strongest people are not those who always win but those who stand back up when they fall. Somehow, along the course of life, you learn about yourself and realize that there should never be regrets, only a life long appreciation of the choices you've made. Loving is not how you forget but how you forgive, not how you listen but how you understand, not what you see but how you feel, and not how you let go but how you hold on. The Greatest happiness of happiness is seeing your happiness ( read it as your love) happy .

Love,

Vicky

Welcome !!

2010-01-24T14:10:00.000+05:30

Hi There ,

First of all , Welcome to Snake Roast Blog !! .

This idea of Joint blogging came up between Me & Mahendran , my roomie , in one of our Dhaaru sessions (Yeah , I restarted my liquor stint after 4 long years of break ). The discussions with Mahi , were always interesting , there's a lot of "give & take" of wisdom.

I generally don't forcefully push my ideas to others , unless required . And many a times , Mahi had successfully made me vomit my ideologies , thoughts & emotions . It just happened that , Most of the times I keep my ideas on the table, and he opens up a completely new channel of thought or the undiscovered "need to think" areas . And I very often come up with a reaction saying " Ahh Boy , doesn't he make sense ! " . And I hope , it must be the same with him somewhere. I am an open person , and I always believed in the power of sharing things , and discussions with Mahi was one of a kind story , its also one of a classic examples of all the experiences I share with variety of friends list I have , who bring different ideas to the table always. Its not that I was wrong , but they all provided me that extra vision , to see the actual TRUTH .

TRUTH - Truth is poisonous , its sometimes tough to listen and even tougher to digest it. And the person (ala Snake) , who carries that is even more dangerous , He hides , he crawls , he escapes and he holds that eternal truth right inside him . So I want to roast that hidden Snake inside all of us , and bring that hard core truth sail through the souls . Hence the Name of the Blog - "Snake Roast". After All , Wisdom lies in coming to terms with Truth ,whether you like it or not , isnt it?.

Having said all that , I am not sure how did I sound there, but I am not here to give long lectures . We had enough of them . Haven't We ? . What I said above is the other side of the coin besides the fun we shall have here . I am actually , actually here to have fun . I want to share my poems , my stories , my ideas , my emotions , movie reviews , music album reviews and many more. I would also like to hear from you all .

What I speak here , may not be right always , but whats wrong in sharing anyways. May be I get a chance to correct it if its wrong , and receive appreciation if I somewhere make sense (You are very much needed here :-P ).This is my second blog , although my first , has never seen the eye of the public.That was intended only for myself . And I am putting this one truly , truly online. Hope you all like it .

I am sure Mahendra has got lots to talk , but I will refrain myself to speak on his behalf ,better hear it from the Lions Mouth .

Mahi & Me , We both Welcome you again . Be with us ,blogging & commenting .

PS : Do Send your views on the blogs to SnakeRoast@Gmail.com and if you really like us -"Follow us " .

Love,
Vicky